Musings Following "Saving Darwin's God"

The most recent book I’ve completed is Kenneth Miller’s Finding Darwin’s God.  This one took me a while to finish – not because the content was difficult, but because the work of the semester limited my reading time (well, that and finding Alias on Netflix).  As with my previous book, (Saving Darwin – see previous post) bad theology leads to some interesting conclusions.

There were too many times to count the number of times Miller said the he “knew” or science had “proved” something about the age of the Earth and the means of the appearance of life.  He even denigrates our ancestors saying that ‘our species has now grown up’ and that we should have a more sophisticated view of the history of our planet and species.  His comments show his ignorance of the limits of science.  Science cannot prove anything – the data support or refute hypotheses.  In addition, data support multiple hypothesis – some of which have not yet been thought of by humans.  I find it ironic that Miller has such a high view of science, which was conceived by our ancestors, when he then belittles the views of the same people.

Miller’s treatment of the Fall minimizes the effect of sin on the human heart and all of Creation.  Rather than acknowledge that we may not understand the impact of the Fall on biological systems, he dismisses such an idea with less than a paragraph.  Scripture is pretty clear that sin affected not only our spiritual condition, but the natural world, as well.

There were many points that Miller argued from history rather than from a proper understanding of Scripture.  In multiple areas, he gives erroneous interpretations of Scripture as the true meaning of the Bible.  I am not sure if he was trying to address these views within the church or not, but it seemed he tried to debunk a widely held idea based on what other people thought rather than debunk it with a correct interpretation of Scripture (what God thought).

As the book progressed from biological evolution, I learned much about Miller’s theology.

1.       He seems to believe that God is not involved in a natural process if that natural process can be explained by natural causes.  The only time that God intervenes is directly and in those cases, He suspends the laws of nature.

2.       He states that God HAD to make the world the way He did so it could be independent.  Otherwise, we live in a world with no free will, no independence.  He even argues this is so based on quantum theory.  

I don’t think that God is held hostage by the properties of matter.  God is eternal – matter is not!  My understanding of Scripture would say that God IS in control of His creation and He knows where history is leading.  But this does not eliminate free will – where we are free to act in harmony with our nature.  This reality is one of the mysteries of Scripture as I don’t fully understand how both are true.

Overall, this book had a lot of interesting views.  Christians who hold to evolutionary theory in various forms have gained an audience in the wider culture.  Yet, I wonder how many of Miller’s views mentioned above are shared by Collins and other popular Christian writers.

Musings following "Saving Darwin"

The past couple of weeks, I have been reading Saving Darwin by Karl Giberson.  The subtitle of this book indicates that it will examine how Christian faith and evolution can coexist.  If you have read my “Musings” on other books, you know that these are not critiques of the book.  However, I put down the thoughts running through my head as I digest and struggle with the ideas I have just encountered.

I have always held the position stated by Petcher and Morris (Science and Grace) in their Introduction that “there can be no contradiction between science and faith, properly understood” (emphasis mine).  As I read and learn, I see that having a proper understanding of the data and conclusions of science that is consistent with a proper understanding of what the Bible teaches is an exercise in mental calisthenics.  I see a great temptation of scientists that profess belief in the God of the Bible to exhaust their cerebral capabilities to understand the science and while neglecting a similar study and contemplation of the deep truths of the Bible and ultimately, theology.   If there has even been a book that highlighted the importance of taking ones theology seriously, this would be it. 

Early in the book, Giberson states that the “acid of evolution” and natural history dissolves pretty much all of the historicity of the events in Genesis, particularly Genesis 1-11.  It seems that Giberson believes that we must only hold to the historicity of Jesus and His work on our behalf in order to be Christians.  However, in doing so, he undermines the very facts that make the historicity of Jesus part of a rational view.   Books have been written on this topic (some I have read and others I have not) discussing these issues, but I will make a brief statement concerning my thoughts on this topic.   If Adam was NOT a historical figure and Jesus Christ WAS a historical figure, why do the Apostle Paul and the writer of Hebrews take such pains in the New Testament to tie Adam and Christ (the second Adam) together when describing the process of our justification?  They are either both metaphorical and spiritual or both historical figures.

Giberson spent his time arguing with a traditional creationist view of origins.  I say this because he continually referred to the fact that creationism states that God made all animals in the current form.  However, a careful reading of Genesis does not demand this at all, even though this has been a position of scientists and theologians in the past.  It seems possible to hold to a special creation of species without restricting them in how they might change over time.  I would echo the above statement from Petcher and Morris, and argue that it is likely that none of the currently accepted views (evolutionary, creationist, and others) have properly interpreted both general revelation (creation) and special revelation (Scripture). 

Toward the conclusion of the book, Giberson presents the evidences of evolution.  It seems clear from the summary of the evidence, that defending evolution on the basis of evidence was not a high priority for this book.  In addition to this treatment, Giberson does not seem to understand that experimental data can support multiple hypotheses – not just one.  I say this because the universality of DNA and common structures, which are both mentioned, do not exclude or refute a hypothesis of a special creation.  They both support such a hypothesis – unless you wish to say that special creations must not share anything in common, which is a common statement I have read by the supporters of evolution.  However, if we believe that a creator could create freely, who are we to dictate HOW they must have created?

Probably the most troubling shortcoming of the book is the treatment of Darwin’s rejection of a special creation due to pain and suffering within the animal world.  Examples of nature “red in tooth and claw” lead some to believe that God could not be involved in creation because His goodness and perfection is inconsistent with these aspects of Creation.  Giberson gives a one paragraph response in his 221 pages to the idea that the Fall resulted in significant changes – including suffering and torture in the animal world - to Creation.  He basically dismisses the idea that the Fall altered the physical creation at all and that it was a purely spiritual event.  However, it seems pretty clear that ALL of Creation fell with man and that the Fall affected the whole of man (physical and spiritual).  The Fall was no small matter – all of Creation is broken due to the effects of our rebellion.  It seems to me that a view that ignores the effects of the Fall does not understand the seriousness of sin or the holiness of God. 

From the standpoint of a book that recounts the relatively recent history between science and faith, Giberson brought much to my attention.  From that perspective, the majority of this book gave useful information.  But overall, I am underwhelmed by Giberson arguments.  I am concerned that THIS is what believing scientists have to read and contemplate as a proper Christian response to the controversy between science and evolution.  Giberson seems to hold high the importance of rationality and logic in science and these are seriously missing in many areas of the book, as well as his presentation of Christianity. 

Yard Work Chronicles - A Lesson from Special & General Revelation

We have lived in our home for a little more than 7 years.  We have always loved the gorgeous azaleas planted by the original owners of the house.  These bushes are about 30 years old.  A few of them are over 7 feet tall!  Even though the bushes are lush and green and clearly putting on new growth, they have not bloomed for the past 2 years.  So armed with a little bit of knowledge on pruning, a vision of a pretty yard, and a pair of loppers, I ventured out to take charge of my small domain.

I must confess that I have avoided pruning the azaleas for the past 3 years because I knew that I was not experienced in this area.  I was fairly certain that I would make a bigger mess of the plants or that I would be too aggressive in my treatment and they would die.  An unexpected event convinced me I would probably not kill the plant – my youngest child decided to ‘help’ in the yard by cutting down the ‘weeds’.  Sadly (or not), he believed the 30 year old azaleas were weeds.  He proceeded to hack them down with the loppers and was so proud of his work.  Nothing died.  Everything started putting on new growth.  This experience is the little bit of knowledge on pruning I have already referred to.  Surely I would not kill the plants and even if I did, they weren’t blooming anyway.

If you follow my sister’s blog, you may be expecting to see pictures and a detailed description of how I clipped the branches with ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos.  I’m sorry to disappoint you, as I didn’t take pictures before I started and I don’t have the patience to photo-chronicle itchy, sweaty yard work.  However, as I spent a few hours over a couple of days pruning the first 5 azaleas, my mind kept returning to John 15:2 “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”  I started thinking about the spiritual truths I could learn knowing that *I* am pruned by my loving Father.   Here are a few of those ideas:

Pruning is for the good of the plant and me – My azaleas have a purpose in my yard – to bloom in the spring.  If they are not fulfilling their purpose, what is the point of them being there?  I pruned them in hopes that will bloom, or produce fruit, again.  Likewise, if I am not fulfilling my purpose, which is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, my Master Gardener needs to use whatever means possible to allow me to once again do that.

Pruning is painful – I’m reminded of a question posed to me in my FFA days, “Does a head of lettuce scream when you cut it?”  I did not HEAR any screams from the azaleas while I worked, but with my knowledge of biology, there certainly was stress put on the plant.  I’ll take this as an equivalent of our pain.  When the Master Gardener comes and prunes me, things, activities, events, and more can be removed or altered in my life.  These changes are sometimes abrupt and are often painful to be removed from my life.

Pruning leaves you somewhat bare and (GASP!) ugly – Here is one of the azaleas now.  Its bare and not very pretty – especially compared to how it looked before pruning.  This thought really consumed me as I worked.  How am I like this azalea?  The Master Gardener comes and removes the things that hinder me from fulfilling my purpose in His kingdom.  Sometimes these things are ‘good things’.  Often, these things look really good – both to me and others.  Perhaps these things have been exactly what the Gardner wanted and used in His kingdom in the past.  But these are not BEST things for NOW.  He wants to make me more in the image of His Son.  He has more for me to do – perhaps in different places of service and to different people.  I can fight with my Master Gardeners pruning a little more than my azaleas, but that just prolongs the pain.  The Master Gardener knows best.  He sees His plan.  I should be thankful that he has seen fit to keep me in His garden and allow me to do my small part of bearing fruit.

Pruning will result in greater beauty – I am excited to see the new growth in my azaleas.  Hopefully, we will also see greener foliage and brighter blooms.  The same will be true of me.  As a new creation in Christ, I am promised “beauty for ashes”.  As part of his bride, I am included in the glorious bride described in Revelation.  How awesome to know the truth that my ‘light and momentary troubles are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed’ (Romans 8:18).

I am still mulling these truths and how God is pruning me.  While it is not always pleasant, it is encouraging to be able to see the Lord’s loving work in my life.  I pray he will prune me to be useful in His kingdom, whether in big or small ways.

If you read my blog, please share your thoughts in the comments section.  I would love to hear from you and to know your thoughts on this topic or others.

10 Things I Hate About You

So I seem to have shifted from a song title to movie title theme on my blog titles.  So in honor of my teenager-ish broken out skin, here is my list of some of the things that Staci hates about Staci.

10. I let myself stop running and exercising at the beginning of the school year and can't get myself back into the habit.  It has not been good for me, but I truly can't figure out how to fit it in on most of my days.  Work and famly take up all the daylight hours.  With the days getting longer, maybe there is hope.  At least the school year will be over soon, which should free up some time.

9. My feelings sometimes get hurt easily and then I can't 'forgive and forget'.  I am an elephant.  If the hurt was significant, I remember it forever - or for at least 25 years (that's the longest one I can think of).

8. I am a perfectionist.  Sometimes I am really proud of this trait.  But a lot of times, it is a big negative.  I can't stand to mess up and then realize that someone else knows it.  I especially can't stand for you to see my mistakes and then show them to me.

7. My pancreas has been killed by bad genetics and 3 pregnancies.  I wish I did not need to exercise (see #10) to be healthy, but that is not to be.  I am destined to be a Diabetic - my choices are just prolonging the time until they will see the need to officially diagnose me.  This makes me feel old and damaged.  I hate that I have an actual disease that won't be healed this side of heaven.

6. I don't have degrees of liking people.  You are either in or out.  So I either love you to death (ie - my husband, my children, Dale Jr., Trevor Bayne, Brett Favre) or I pretty much despise you (ie - Kyle Busch, Tim Brady, some people from high school - see #9).

5. My skin is greasy - even now - but it HAS NOT prevented wrinkles!  How can you have zits and wrinkles on the same face!! 

4. I have an apathetic attitude toward some people in my life.  I don't really care that this is the case, but I know it SHOULD NOT be the case. Change in this area will take some heavenly intervension, which I know if possible.

3. I don't brag on my kids enough.  That don't get the press they deserve from me in this blog or other social media.  They are awesome, too!  Tinley continues to do well in gymnastics and has gotten more organized with her school work.  Troy built a jet balloon toy (wish I had pictures) that pulled the most weight in the whole 5th grade, as is about to bridge to Boy Scouts. Trent had an amazing report card (in the 99th percentile on all subjects) and did a great job as Andrew Johnson on Famous American Day.  You can see videos and photos on my facebook or twitter home.

2. I have no idea how to build meaningful relationships, which is why I don't have any.  Aside from my husband, I really don't have good friends.  I have lots of acquaintances, but if my world fell apart and I needed help, I have no earthly idea who I would call/ email/ or contact.  Its partly because I am not very likeable (see #3-10 above) and pretty self-centered.  Or maybe that is all of it.

1. I really care what other people think of me in every area of my life.  And I want to be well thought-of and recognized.  This almost always DOES NOT happen, and it makes me sad and sometimes angry.

I could probably list more things that I don't like about myself. Most of these things would have been on a list like this 20 years ago. I want to see growth!  It is wonderful and humbling that husband (Eric) and my Savior (Jesus) see and know all of these things. But they still like and love me! There is truly no one else that I can say this about - but what a gift to have more than 1 that I can say it about. I believe my growth comes in the form that I see all of my shortcomings even more clearly and I recognize two things: 1) It is truly amazing that Jesus would sacrifice Himself on my behalf when these 10 things are not the only sins and shortcomings I have and 2) I need His amazing grace to allow his love and mercy and goodness to flow through me.  None of the good things that I want to do or to change can be generated within myself.  He is the only source of goodness or even the desire for goodness.

So while I look at my shortcomings, faults, and sins, I am thankful that they point me back to the cross.  That is my only hope.

Musings following the books, 'Desiring God' & 'Eat Pray Love'

The last 2 books I read have been Desiring God by John Piper (2^nd reading) and Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Both had been hanging on my ‘To Read’ list for at least 2 years. They were not in this order on my list, either.  I think it is so amazing how God in His sovereignty had me read these 2 books in this order. 

While reading Desiring God, I was struck again by my own lack of joy and how I so often lose my focus on what my ultimate source of peace and comfort are.  It inspired me to a greater desire to cultivate prayer in my life.  I have been constantly dwelling on the fact that I am to find joy in God and thinking about how that works itself out practically in my own life.

I then started reading Eat Pray Love.  This book is somewhat of a memoir of Gilbert’s journey through searching for peace and contentment.  While she never really claims a religion, it seems to pull together religious ideas from many traditions into something she feels comfortable with.  In the end, she finds wholeness and contentment and happiness.  She sees herself as good and loving and whole.

I feel that I can relate to the deep heart struggle of Gilbert throughout the book.  I have struggled with having happiness in various circumstances and being melancholy.  But I don’t understand the road she chose to examine her questions and longings.  My thoughts swung between disagreeing with Gilbert’s approach to the realization that ‘but for the grace of God, there I go’.  As I read and considered these things, the following thoughts were never far from me

1.       There is only 1 way to true happiness, contentment, and joy.  The God revealed in the Bible created us and is therefore the only way to fill the void in our innermost being.

2.       Eat Pray Love was a best-selling book, and all of the reviews I read focused on people’s opinion of Gilbert’s actions in the book.  Either they thought she was completely selfish or envied her year of self-discovery.  It seems telling about our culture that not one review focused on what she believed (as I feel I am doing here).  We have bought into the idea that WHAT you believe is not that important.  Truth is whatever works for you and makes you happy.  I am not sure how we retreat from these positions and return to a healthier place of appreciating Truth.

Piper has a chapter in Desiring God where he talks a lot about what if the Bible is not true.  He quotes I Corinthians 15:19 “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.”  As Gilbert searches for life’s deeper meaning in Italy and Bali, I found this an interesting contrast.  Because the Bible IS true and we have a hope for eternity, I found myself feeling really bad for Gilbert – pitying her, even.  She is sitting in what might be considered a paradise here on earth, but because she is not a Christian, it is temporal and fleeting.  But because I belong to God, I am greatly blessed (which to me the opposite of being pitied) even while I shuttle children, clean house, put out fires at work, and deal with difficult relationships.  Thanks be to God for this wonderful gift.

On Second Thought...

I’ve been turning some blog posts over in my mind since my last post right after Christmas.  While there are many thoughts, emotions, and ideas running wild, I just can’t put any of them down ‘on paper’.  I’ve talked it over with my husband, and on these topics, I am going to have to declare my blog description is not entirely accurate.  This is not a place where I can come and be completely open and honest on all topics.  It seems people actually might READ my posts ;-)  And, quite frankly, some of my thoughts and ruminations are none of your business.  I’m kind of frustrated by this realization.  My blog was supposed to be an outlet and place of sharing.  But I feel too fragile and too dangerous at the same time.  Some of my words have the potential to harm others and then ricochet back and cause serious damage. 

So while I will certainly be myself, I am giving myself permission to hold some things in private.  The thing I am realizing is that lack of sharing with the outside world does not indicate a lack of pride, enjoyment, or satisfaction with my marriage, my children, or any other aspect of my life.  For years I have felt that my feelings toward these people and things were inferior because my joy and contentment were not shouted on Facebook or splashed in beautiful pictures and words in this blog. 

No matter how honest or open I am here, it will never replace the desire for friendship with real people, and I have tried to allow this forum to substitute for real relationships.  As I type this, it seems stupid to have ever thought that way.  I did not set out with that as my goal, but the idea of the blog filled the vacuum where relationships ought to be.  So feel free to read on in the future.  Maybe soon I’ll feel less dangerous or fragile.

Thoughts from December and 2011 Reading

As usual, our family travelled to Tennessee for the Christmas holiday.  This past Christmas fell on Sunday, and during our morning worship, we celebrated Communion.  I was really struck by how appropriate that is in many ways, but particularly on a personal level. 

Some trips to Tennessee are fun and enjoyable.  Others are filled with strife, complaining, and general 'un-niceness' between family members.  This seemed to have many elements of the latter description.  During Communion, I was struck afresh with the reality of my own sin, my own involvement and participation in these activities.  I commented to my husband that partaking in Communion in that setting was a good thing.

However, over the next 2 days, the trend continued.  Many things were said that were just not nice and should have been left unsaid.  I was hurt by unkind words by those who are supposed to love and care for me.  While driving home and during the following days, I was struck by my own hand in the culture and attitude that was present within my extended family over the Christmas holiday.  I certainly don't condone or excuse the hurtful words thrown at me, but the Lord has graciously shown me more of my own sin through this.  In the busyness of the semester and holidays my time devoted to Scripture and prayer had greatly diminished.  I see again that I cannot be the sister and daughter (or mother or wife) I am called to be without daily saturation in His Word.  I do not love my family as I should.  I do not build them up or speak truth to them.

I am sad that I 'blew it' this Christmas, but I am even more thankful that the Lord has shown me this sin in my life and promises that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I am thankful for his sanctification and pray that He will allow me to be a beacon of love and kindness to these same family members in the future.

I'm also listing here the books I read in 2011.  I believe my goal was to read 30 books this year and work on my BBC list of books.  I did pretty well on both.

Books Read in 2011
The Hitchhikers Guide Trilogy - Adams
Darwin's Black Box
Charlotte's Web
Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Hardy
Good Things I Wish You
Knowing God - Packer
Alice in Wonderland - Carroll
Through the Looking Glass - Carroll
Age of Opprtunity - Tripp
Engaging God's World - Plantinga
The Confession - Grisham
Persuasion - Austen
The Associate - Grisham
Artermis Fowl (Book 1)
Ford County Stories - Grisham
The Davinci Code - Brown
Lacemakers of Glenmara
Life of Pi
Treasure Island
Why Pandas Do Handstands
The God Delusion - Dawkins
The Dawkins Delusion - McGrath
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows
Saving Leonardo - Pearcey
DNA - A Graphic Guide to the Molecule that Shook the Universe - Rosenfeld
Total Truth - Pearcy
Fever 1793
Catch 22 - Heller
Humility - Mahaney
The Velveteen Rabbit
Rebecca - duMaurier
Bonhoffer - Metaxas
The Unlikely Disciple
Les Miserables - Hugo
Total = 36 books

My goal for 2012 is to read 35 books in the coming year.  Reading and exercising are probably the 2 best stress relieving activities that I participate in.  However, I have always enjoyed reading and can't wait to continue to my lists of books that I want to go through.  I always learn neat and unexpected things in all of the genres I read.  I would challenge everyone to branch out and read something you never expected to read in the coming year.

Only the Lonely

DISCLAIMER: If you have many friends or even a few close friends, please don't continue reading this post. You will not relate to what I have written. You may be tempted to offer 'suggestions' which might not be well-received. For those who don't have good friends, feel free to read on.

Today is a Lonely Day. For some reason, everything I read or see reminds me of things that I do not have and desperately want. Facebook is an evil creation for me on days like this. I see how some people have celebrated their birthday with a party. Others are out in the glorious weather enjoying the company of their neighbors and family. I see posts from one person to another of how they miss each other, can't wait to see each other, send their love to one another. Blah, blah, blah – good for all of you. It seems like I have already blogged about these feelings and every time I do, I think that deep down, I secretly wish that someone will read my heart wrenching post and want to be my friend. This have, obviously, never happened. Because then there would not be a need to this current post.

I have never had a birthday party (EVER!). Four people (plus my children) have any idea when my birthday occurs. No one ever calls to talk with me on the phone. My students are really the only people who write on my Facebook wall with comments or encouragement. I could move to another planet and no one in my community would even realize I am gone. I literally get covered in hives and while many are aware, 2 people (neither of whom I am related to or go to church with) ask if I am okay in Chat. Are you depressed yet? I really could go on, but it is making ME depressed.

I am seeing that my desire for friendship never goes away. It just cycles through 3 main types of feelings.

1. Anger – I find myself mad at those who have friends, those who don't want to be my friend, and those who are oblivious to it all.
   
2. Sadness – I basically through a pity-party for myself about how I don't have the kinds of friends I crave.
   
3. Apathy – I accept that I have really never had close friends or maintained a close friendship and that is the way it is always going to be. I tell myself that there are other things that need my attention and ignore what is going on.
   

Incredibly (or maybe sadly), I have experienced all of this cycle multiple times today! At other times, the cycle spins more slowly and I live in the "apathy" phase for longer periods of time.

Once upon a time, I was a stay at home mom. There were others, too, and we got together for play dates and sometimes did little activities. We had Pampered Chef parties and Bible Studies. Even then, I never felt a part of the group. If I missed an activity, I was sometimes lucky enough to get an email but never a phone call. And there were never times that I got a phone call from one of these people to chat with me and see how I was doing. Of course, I never did this either, so I suppose I am partly to blame. I am still not really sure how to do any of this. Especially when the few times I have tried it, I have found that the person I was reaching out to already had close friends – they just did not need me at all. I am now working basically full-time and all of my kids are in school. I don't 'fit' into any of the groups to meet new people. I don't have lots of time to figure out where I can develop a friendship.

So for today, I will be busy. I will make some memories with my 2 boys at the Fair and Race. I will enjoy myself watching my favorite sport today and tonight. I will cheer for my alma mater in football and be an outsider in my own community. In all of this, I will remember that Jesus befriended the 'outsiders' of His society and revealed Himself to them in a special way. God has made me unique for His special purpose and that is a glorious thing to remember, even if few people on this Earth care to discover that. I pray that those who DO get to know me are blessed through my talents, gifts, and interests.

Musings Inspired by “Total Truth” by Nancy Pearcey

I finished reading "Total Truth" by Nancy Pearcey a few weeks ago. If you have not read it, I highly recommend the book, as it deals with important issues with depth and great insight. Several items in the book will help me restructure my lecture on the history and philosophy of science in the coming month. This post is not meant to be a review or summary of the book, though. At one point in the book, Pearcey relates her inner struggle with her calling and vocation while expecting her first child. She felt like the Lord was leading her to continue her studies and serve Him with her mind. She states how it seemed unfair that becoming a mother called all of that into question for her more so than it did for her husband, who was about to become a father. I read this section of the book to my husband, because it summarized my feelings over the past few years very well.

Twelve years ago, I completed my Master of Science degree and jumped directly into work on my Ph.D. in Animal Physiology. Soon after that, I found out I was expecting our first child. I was due in the middle of the Spring semester, and my advisor allowed me to work from home (which means there is not much work when you deal with beef cattle) through the summer and still paid me. I had always said that I wanted to stay home with my kids, so in July 2000, I left the academic world and became a full-time stay at home mom. We ended up with 2 babies in less than a year and I honestly don't remember a lot about that time. However, I think my brain was screaming. I was used to thinking, solving problems, reading, writing, organizing. Most friends I associated with for play dates had left careers – mine had not really started. So, I volunteered, I started a business, I had small part time jobs at church – in all of this, I knew I did not want to leave my kids with someone else while I went to work every day. Looking back, I would say that I was restless doing many things but not THE THING that God had called me to do – Teach Animal Science/ Biology.

God dropped an opportunity in my lap in Fall 2005. My children were 5, 4, and ½ years old. I got an email from one of the above mentioned friends – the school she worked at needed a Biology instructor for their night classes that would meet weekly for 5 weeks at a time. She wanted to know if I could give them my name. After consulting with my husband, I said 'yes'. Within hours, I had completed an application and scheduled and interview. I LOVED that job - the students, the adult interaction about something I cared about, teaching - it was a breath of fresh air into the deepest part of my soul - the part that had been cut off when I decided to stay home with my kids.  That job led to where I am now – working about 30 hours a week – teaching and organizing our labs. But I still struggle with the idea of not being there for my kids, as they won't come home immediately after school. I don't think my husband struggles through these ideas the same way I do.

In 4 days, I will start work for the school year. I will work more hours per week than I have since graduate school before my children were born. I have a babysitter for the time before school starts for the kids. I spent an entire day cooking LOTS of meals to put in our freezer in preparation for this time (maybe I'll feel like blogging about that later). I feel very confident that I am where I am supposed to be, but concerned about how I execute my vocational and family calling. I know I need to lean on Jesus – He has called me to these things and I can do them only through Him who strengthens me. But as I look back on my 11+ years of motherhood, I wish there had been someone – a Christian woman who would have helped me view my roles and call in God's kingdom in a different light. My model had been for a woman to sacrifice her career on the altar of her children. While I am not saying that I wish I had made a different choice or that my choice was incorrect, I am seeing now that my THINKING was incorrect. I needed to see that my calling as an intellectual woman in the field of science was just as much of a mission field and calling on my life as the family I am to care for and love.

Loyalty & Sympathy

I have done some soul searching over the past week or so about Loyalty. The events that have brought this up and where they have gone in my head seem completely unrelated. I consider myself a very loyal person and I value this quality as highly as any other. Last Saturday night, we watched the NASCAR race at Daytona. The current 'version' of drafting involves 2 car tandems – basically you pick a partner and off you go. If something happens to your partner, just kiss your chances goodbye. My favorite driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. got a gift in the last laps of the race in the form of a Caution Flag. But then his partner pitted and hung him out to dry – or should I say his partner's crew chief did so. I was so mad and fumed for a long time. It did not help that my husband decided to play devil's advocate and ask me WHY was loyalty so important in this race.

All of this emotion brought up more thoughts for me. I love where I work and what I do, but I also want to build a career. I am not sure when that type of opportunity will arise. I was made aware of another career opportunity that seemed perfect for me. Should I apply to this position which might advance my career but would not be a loyal move? Several people I talked to said "Yes! You should apply. Companies are not loyal to their employees, and you should look out for #1." There is a lot I could say about this comment, but I will sum it up that knowing the world works this way really bothers me. I believe it is contrary to God's perfect plan for His world. You don't have to read very far in Scripture to see that God exemplifies Loyalty! I think of the book of Hosea – God's people chase after other lovers and He pursues them. When they showed no loyalty, He showed what loyalty really means, what it looks like. Shouldn't I strive to emulate that kind of loyalty in my own life?

This leads to my next 'word' of the week – Sympathy. As if things could not get more complex, we have had a crazy couple of weeks. The "Old Hill Electric" has shown up in full force which translates into a very tired and frustrated husband. That means I am very isolated and lonely since my husband is really my only good friend. To top it off, I have had an allergic reaction to something which has resulted in hives, swelling, and inflamed lymph nodes. The "Old Hill Electric" takes precedence in this case and I head off to the doctor with 2 boys in tow. Why – you may ask? Because there is no one that I know who will help me out. Several Facebook friends tried but had conflicts with work, but others had less convincing reasons. Sure – they said they were sorry that I was feeling bad and that they could not help, but what good is that type of Sympathy? I would argue that it is useless! Pretty words don't make the hives or swelling recede, and they don't protect my boys who get exposed to lots of potential germs at the doctor's office. I want to post a screaming status on Facebook about how I am so glad that YOU are having a great day, going the beach, or whatever your perfect day is bringing you. The very title on Facebook as my 'friend' makes me want to clear off that list for people who are actually worthy of that title in my life.

It is clear to me that this situation speaks loudly to my particular 'Love Languages'. It is pretty clear that "Quality Time" and/or "Gifts" are a lot higher than "Words of Affirmation". But this just highlights the lonliness of my situation – no one has a clue that I need that. I am trying to make sense of this whole situation, and once again I come to the conclusion that perhaps I am supposed to just depend on God. He certainly got us through this afternoon and the boys acted beautifully. But I know that I am supposed to live in Community with other believers. But what are you supposed to do when no one wants to have that kind of relationship with you? What do you do when you reach out and all you get are the pretty words or excuses? It is hard to react with grace and understanding when you are needy. It is also hard when you see others living in Community – people who are your neighbors and church 'family' – while you are basically excluded.

I am pretty certain that I am not the only one who feels this way, but I am not sure who find themselves in the same situation. So what do you do? Please don't post that I need to 'try harder, be nicer, etc.' If this were an easy fix, surely I would have figured it out by now.

Musings Inspired by “The God Delusion” – part 3

This post will cover the remainder of the book – from chapter 5 through chapter 10.

I will be honest and say that this is where the book was difficult for me to read. (It is hard to read a book when you want to throw it or yell at it.) There are so many things that I could discuss and dissect in this section, and to do so would take a book of my own. I think I can summarize my thoughts on these chapters by saying that:

1. Dawkins has knowledge of the Bible, but no understanding of it. Sadly, his apparent knowledge of Scripture probably is beyond most Americans who profess to be Christians.
   
2. All of the things that Dawkins points to as "bad" about religion are actually sins that Christianity and the Bible would condemn.
   
3. While Dawkins says he is not a fundamentalist on evolution and natural selection, he is certainly a fundamentalist when it comes to naturalism. He simply cannot entertain the notion of something beyond the physical, so no matter what evidence would be presented to him, it would not be sufficient if it were supernatural in nature.
   
4. I agree with Dawkins on many points than I expected to (ie – condemning sin in the world or mental abuse of children), but we don't agree on what should be done about it or its ultimate cause.
   

While the hypothesis that religion and morality are by-products of some trait passed down via natural selection could be viewed as a possibility, it does not seem well-supported to me. This book at least had the educational purpose of introducing me to these ideas, and also the existence of evolutionary psychology.

So, I have completed the book and can say that I am glad that I read it. If you have a question about the book, please feel free to ask.

Musings Inspired by “The God Delusion” – part 2

This post will focus on Chapters 3 – Arguments for God's Existence and 4 – Why There Almost Certainly is No God.

Probability and statistics are a major theme of Dawkins discussion, especially in Chapter 4. He says in multiple places that according to the laws of probability that simple things are more probable to come into existence than complex things. He then argues that a God capable of designing and upholding the universe must be complex. I would not disagree with this assumption, as I don't think I would try to argue that God was simple. Because of this complexity, Dawkins declares the likelihood of this type of complex God is terribly unlikely. But as you read, you see that Dawkins mind is firmly in the natural world. He cannot fathom something that does not follow 'natural laws' of chemistry, biology and physics. If we asserted that the God of the Bible were within that realm, this argument might hold water. But all of the 'things' that Dawkins uses to measure the existence of God are those useful in the natural world only.

In some places, Dawkins seems to define what is true by popular opinion. He spends a good bit of time with statistics on the beliefs of scientists and 'less educated', and then uses the fact that the inverse relationship between education and religious belief as a 'proof' that God does not exist. This also leads him to continue to question statements and beliefs of other scientists. He did this with Gould in Chapter 2, saying that surely he really didn't mean what he wrote. He continues this line of thought by questioning whether certain scientists in history were actually Christian. He has the audacity to say that perhaps these men were 'closet atheists' and just didn't know that they could choose to not believe in God.

Another recurring theme for Dawkins is that a universe with a personal Creator would be a very different universe than one without one. He then says that "our sense of goodness would be the way it is with a God and without a God." These 2 statements seem contradictory to me. Why would our sense of goodness be the same in a completely different universe? And how can you compare these 2 types of universe when you only live in one of them? How do you KNOW which you find yourself in?
The biggest thing that keeps coming into my mind as I contemplate Dawkins arguments is his narrow view of the theoretical. Philosophers of science point out that there are an infinite number of theories that are possible to explain any possible natural phenomena.

I often show this photograph to my class and ask the question "What happened right before this picture was taken?" As you might imagine, there are lots of ideas and many of them seem possible and reasonable. The job of science is to try to eliminate which 'theories' could be correct and which are certainly not correct. And just because you eliminate all of the possibilities on your original list, that does not mean there is not another possible theory that you have not yet thought of and tested. Even then, you have not "proven" your theory – you have either supported the theory or not. It is clear that Dawkins believes there are only 2 options out there for the existence of everything – Darwinism by means of natural selection (he even stretches this to the realm of physics in one example) and a special creation by God. I would have expected Dawkins to be a little more versed in the philosophy of science, because he is totally ignoring other possibilities, not to mention all of the possibilities of the "how" within these 2 theories. Of course the beginning of everything or any natural phenomena (the cause of cancer, the transportation of steroids in the body, etc.) have an answer and it is possible the accurate and real answer is one that has not been thought of yet.

After finishing the last paragraph, I think of a statement I have read and heard from Christians that say that belief in God/ creationism/ etc. leads to intellectual laziness. I think this is a load of trash! A Biblical view of man's purpose in the world is that of steward of creation. This view is easy to fit in a career in the sciences, which is the study of the natural world/ God's creation. How in the world is it consistent with being a good and faithful steward to not seek to learn anything and everything you can about your subject?? Any Christian who would hold this view would either not take God's call on their vocation seriously or would not understand the Bible's teaching on the subject on what we are to be about until His return. This does seem in line with a "God of the Gaps" idea, which was discussed in this section of the book. Here I find another instance where I agree with Dawkins. I agree with both Dawkins and Dietrich Bonhoffer on this point. Holding to such a view might lead to scientific laziness, because if the only place we see God in the natural world is in those things we don't understand, God will disappear when we explain everything.

Taking this idea a bit further, I want to finish this post by sharing a paragraph from Dawkins book that I thought was very interesting. "I am continually astonished by those theists who, far from having their consciousness raised in the way that I propose, seem to rejoice in natural selection as "God's way of achieving his creation". They note that evolution by natural selection would be a very easy and neat way to achieve a world full of life. God wouldn't need to do anything at all! Peter Atkins…takes this line of thoughts to a sensibly godless conclusion when he postulates a hypothetically lazy God who tries to get away with as little as possible in order to make a universe containing life. Atkins's lazy God is even lazier than the deist God of the 18^th century Enlightenment: deus otiosus – literally God at leisure, unoccupied, unemployed, superfluous, useless. Step by step, Atkins success in reducing the amount of work the lazy God has to do until he finally ends up doing mothering at all: high might as well not bother to exist." (pg. 118) Morris and Petcher's book, Science and Grace, does a wonderful job of responding Biblically to the idea of a 'lazy' God by looking at God's relationship to His physical creation. I would highly recommend the book to anyone!

Musings Inspired by Dawkins' "The God Delusion" - Part 1

I started reading Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion today.  It has been on my 'to-read' list for a couple of years now.  I have now completed 3 chapters and have decided that I will blog on my thoughts, especially those that are interesting to me.  This post will focus on my thoughts concerning the first 2 chapters of the book.

Chapter 2 of the book is entitled "The God Hypothesis" and so far Dawkins has talked about polytheism, monotheism, and agnosticism.  He has clearly said that he, as an atheist, ascribes to the only reality is that which is physical.  He states clearly that there is no super-natural being (God) or souls.  He then spends time discussing 'probability' of the existence of a 'God' and lamenting over the fact that scientists are not considered a proper authority for disproving the existence of such a 'God'.  This chapter has much information in it, such as definitions and discussion of certain views.  However, I had to go back through after reading it the first time and try to figure out the 'point' or 'direction' of the chapter.  Even then, I did not find how the content of the chapter really went along with the title of the chapter.

I see a glaring problem with Dawkins main line of thought.  A current definiton of science is simply the study of "natural causes for natural phenomena".  The existence of 'God', who by Dawkins own definition, is a super-natural being would fall completely outside the realm of science.  Science is not equipped to answer such questions, yet Dawkins is spending a lot of time 'mushing' the 2 together.  In addition, Dawkins works to use the Scientific Method as the means by which to study/ investigate and ultimately disprove/ show a miniscule probability for the existence of 'God'.

In the Foreward of the book, Dawkins has already expressed his desire that all readers of his book would convert to atheism after its completion.  From other readings and interviews with Dawkins, it is clear that he believes that the only way to know anything is through science (which is the way we have chosen to learn about the physical world, which is Dawkins view, is all that exists).  So it should not be surprising that this is the vein in which he approaches this subject.  However, it seems that the basis of this argument is NOT sound, therefore the stability of the finished argument is in question.

I have found an area that I tend to agree with Dawkins on (I'm not surprised that there are some, although we part ways rather quickly).  He spends some time discussing NOMA - Non-Overlapping Magisteria.  He does not agree with Stephen Jay Gould's assertion that scientists cannot "affirm or deny" the existence or nature of God.  He spends a few pages talking about how religion and science DO overlap, and why scientists should be able to investigate the existence of God by the Scientific Method in theory - he does admit it would be difficult to do this in practice.  Dawkins might agree with the authors Morris and Petcher of Science and Grace who describe what they call a "peace treaty" between science and faith, that seems nearly identical to NOMA.   This is where the disagreements would begin - I would agree with Morris and Petcher that holding to NOMA may lead to a view inconsistent with Scripture (ie - a 'clock-maker God' similar to one held by a deist).  Dawkins can't decide if Gould really thinks NOMA is the appropriate way to think or if he was just being nice to those he did not agree with.  He wastes no time putting forth the reasons why he believes this is a silly argument, one of which is that the only reason NOMA exists is because there is no evidence to support religious belief. 

Turning to my own thoughts stemming from this reading, I will say that I struggle with my thoughts on the current methodological naturalism.  I have had discussions with several biologists that believe it is absolutely necessary for good science.  But I agree with Blaise Pascal's assertion that reason's last step is the acknowledgement that there are an infinite number of possibilities beyond it.  Regardless, I believe that there must be consistency in how we treat the super-natural within science.  While most scientists will say that science is "natural causes for natural phenomena", they operate in a way that seems to agree more with Richard Dawkins (who clearly is not holding to this idea).  This is one of those areas that I need more time to read and think about my exact view on this issue.

Going forward, I'll be interested to see what Dawkins will accept as 'evidence' as the book progresses.  He does not believe in the existence of anything but the natural world, and has already discounted certain historical writings with no or few reasons why.  The next 2 chapters are supposed to give the reasons for belief and those to not believe (all in the name of disproving the existence of 'God').  As I continue to read, I will post more.  Stay tuned if you are interested.....

Know Your Enemy

I often wish that I did not love my job so much. It is summer and, for the life of me, I CANNOT turn my brain off to stop thinking about my Biology courses in the fall. I am anxious to implement changes to improve student learning, and also, student satisfaction with the course. When looking at the past couple of semesters and remembering the sometimes hateful comments from students on End of Course evaluations, it is very easy to think of the students as the enemy. Since I struggle with being a people-pleaser, this can turn from being helpful into a sinful obsession. But my students are not the enemy – not even close. So I need to refocus my thoughts on the real enemy and what I can do to make Biology for Non-Majors and better experience for all involved (this includes myself).

• Enemy #1: Fear of a new way of learning from students. Even though I utilize Team-Based Learning as my pedagogical model, this does not eliminate using some amount of lecture in the course. I have experimented with different approaches different semesters, and am planning to intentional and clearly defined lecture. I don't think I will end up talking anymore in class, but I will now show the *magical* powerpoints on important and challenging concepts, rather than just answering questions and (gasp) writing on the board. I have also gotten rid of some case studies and changed the in-class activities to hands-on drawing, building of models and more. In all honesty, this approach will have more of a 'building' component of student knowledge as we work through each unit. Hopefully, Enemy #1 will be lessened as students see a mixture of class activities which address multiple learning styles within the class.
  
• Enemy #2: Apathy on the part of students. To combat these attitudes, I will be showing a Discovery Channel video about a current event concept related to the unit we are studying. This will take up about 10 minutes of class time, but if it catches the interest of just 1 student, it will be worth it. I am also changing the major individual assignment from a scary research paper to posting in our forums about a current event article that I have chosen. I hope that by making the connections to the real world in more than one venue, these non-majors will see the usefulness of studying biology to their own lives.
  
• Enemy #3: Fear of saying or doing the wrong thing with my students. This enemy rears its ugly head in many scenarios. The area that is most on my mind is my never-ending struggle/ various ideas on how to best teach and approach the questions of origins and evolution with my students. It is very important to me (and to SWU) that we teach students to think from a Biblical worldview. My latest idea consisted of giving teams a table with information about various views and then asking them to decide which views may be held by someone with a Christian worldview. But now I don't know if I like this idea. It seems harmless and easy enough to do this, but I don't know if I can complete this activity in a way that would work in a single class period (which is all the time I can allot for the activity). I have been reading and thinking and praying and discussing with others these ideas in a very intentional way for the past 6 years, and I don't think I could complete this activity in a satisfactory manner. I approach this topic by emphasizing the need for humility and the effect of one's worldview. I also confess my own journey to best understand all of the scientific and theological issues connected to the discussion. No – I don't believe that one's views on this topic define whether you are a Christian or not, but I do think that a high regard for Scripture, its inerrancy and authority exclude some views of origins of life and origins of man (this could be the topic of another blog, but not now). The only weapon again Enemy #3 is continuing and thoughtful preparation for each class. Unfortunately, my perfectionistic tendencies leave me often feeling like I have not done a great job and have done the wrong thing. However, I keep reading and thinking and working through these questions to be able to do better the next time. Another "weapon" in this area is prayer – that God would give me the words and thoughts for the particular students sitting in that classroom. I need to remember that all students are different and need to hear different things from me to different topics. I will never have the *PERFECT* thing to say to explain any topic.
  
• Enemy #4: Forgetting that the students (and their evaluations) are not the enemy. Part of the reason I love teaching is getting to know and interact with my students. Viewing them as the enemy takes away this joyful part of the job. I do my best work as a teacher when I am invested in the students. I must always remember that even though they are sinners just like me, they are made in the image of God. He loves them and me – He brought them to my class for a reason – He expects me to pray for, care for, and disciple them to the best of my ability in the area of biology and faith.
  

I often tell my students that all of life is sacred – learning biology (the study of God's living creation) – is not a secular pursuit. Remembering my ultimate goal – to glorify God as I teach my younger brothers and sisters in Christ about His Creation – makes my job exciting and meaningful to me. Getting these ideas down on "paper" will hopefully allow my mind to rest and recharge for the next few weeks – August will be here before you know it!

Amelia Island Vacation 2011

The past week has been spent in one of my favorite places in the whole world with my favorite people in the whole world.

For the past 7 days, we have been off the mainland of the United States on Amelia Island. Eric & I visited 12 years ago for our 2^nd wedding anniversary and for the past 4 years, we have taken our children there for our annual family vacation. We know the locations of all the good restaurants, the places we like to shop, and where to get ice cream for dessert every night.

Amelia Island is not commercialized and the sea life is evident. We found 4 sea turtle nests in the area of the beach where we were staying.   Sadly, we even saw a dead sea turtle on the beach, along with 41 jelly fish (these were spread over a 1.5 mile area of the beach).

One of my very favorite things to do is read and sit on the beach.  So doing them at the same time is nearly heaven on earth.  Here are the 7 books that I finished reading while at the beach - I admit, I started Austen's Persuasion the day before we left and I did start another book that I got about halfway finished before we got home (which is not pictured because I have not finished it).  Still, 7.5 books in 8 days is pretty good and a new record for me.

We were lucky to see a Nuclear Submarine heading into port/ base at Kingsland, Georgia. You can't see all of the other boats and helicopter escorting it up the St. Marys River. It was an awesome site that Eric and I enjoyed. We tried to explain to the kids how special and rare it was to see this, but I don't think they believed us.

Here are the "Annual" photo ops on Amelia Island – one at the big anchor by one of our favorite restaurants, another with Peg Leg downtown (across the street from the big anchor), and the last showing off our skills as hockey, I mean, mini golf players.

This was our view this morning as we walked to the ocean. I always love watching the pelicans dive – you can see two in this picture. Yes, it is the black blobs right above the water.

And here are my beach bum children. They humor me by telling the beach, the island, Florida, and Georgia goodbye as we drive home. They wish (just like we do) that we could just buy a beach house on Amelia Island and maybe even live there. So here are to this year's lovely memories and yes, we are already looking forward to next year when we will leave the mainland for another week and enjoy the island.

It’s the End of the World as We Know It…

Have you ever had the feeling that everything is about to change? For the past couple of months, I have had a nagging uneasiness in the pit of my being. I suppose it could be from a variety of sources – some changes could be positive and others negative. Our economy is still in a recession (I know there is some debate on this, but I am pretty sure I am right on this one – may this would be a good topic for another blog, but not today) and that affects our finances. My job is staying the same when I thought it would change in the coming year. Boo's future activities are now up in the air. My little guy will start kindergarten in the Fall. There are repairs that need to happen on our house, but don't have to be done today. However, that could change quickly if they deteriorate or break further. I have pre-diabetes. And these are just the things I could guess about. There could be injury or sickness in our family and so many other things could completely blind-side us. Any of them could change our world drastically.

I have been reading in I Samuel and wonder if David felt this way at all? He is anointed King by Samuel, kills Goliath, becomes famous and marries the current King's daughter. Before you know it, he is running for his life. Saul is brutally murdering those he finds out have helped David. How must David have felt – he thought he was going to be King and now he may die soon. Of course we can see how the story ends (which goes many years beyond this episode) in a matter of an hour, if you want to read the whole story. Did David live with this gut feeling that everything was about to change?

My gut feeling makes me dread the future. Proverbs 31 says that a woman of God should "smile at the future". But I am a control freak. I like for things to change in my life when *I* decide they should do so. The "what ifs" in my life focus on the negative and bad, and there is so much pain and suffering in the world around us. Rather than fear and dread, God may have given me this feeling so I can watch what He is about to do. He is always surprising me with the direction of life. Without the nagging, I would go about my daily life focused on the 'now'. Perhaps I am meant to see His hand work in a mighty way and without His prompting in this way, I would just miss it.

I titled this blog after the REM song, and for those that know it, you probably sang the next line of the song, "and I feel fine". But I DON'T feel fine. Even typing above, my tendency is to just feel like I need to throw up and get back to "fixing" my life. My prayer, though, is that I will be able to sing the song and really mean it and that I will look expectantly to what God is doing and about to do in and around me with a sense of joyful expectation. He loves me more than I can fathom, so I will continue to learn to trust Him.

The Trouble with Boo – Part 1

This is the story of a journey I am still struggling through. It started 10 years ago and the plot has thickened in the past year. I write to gain some clarity in what has been occurring and for a record of the events. In March 2000, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. As she grew, it became obvious that she liked to climb and jump and flip – so we took her to gymnastics class so she would have a safe place to do these things. When she was in kindergarten, the coaches at the gym decided she should move onto the team, so for the past 5 years, Boo has been a competitive gymnast.

Her coach has always wanted to get her to the 'Optional' levels and said she was so talented and a great tumbler. Following the State Meet last year, Boo began to work on new and harder skills. Because of softball and summer travel, she struggled with her back tuck. During this struggle, she learned that she must have the back tuck perfected by August if she wanted to move up to the next level. In addition, she would have to compete as a Level 7 (2 levels higher than the previous year) which had a whole new set of harder skills. During this time we realized Tinley was eating about half of the calories she should have been, so we worked to adjust that part of her routine. At the 'meet' to decide if we moved up or not, Boo scored a 32 All Around, which was enough to bump up. She then began work on the back layout and got routines on all 4 events choreographed just for her. She had a practice meet in late November and it was decided she was ready to compete all routines but bars.

The first meet arrived in December. Boo only competed on Beam and Vault, as her back tumbling had gotten rough. Looking back on this time, I wish I had asked the coach to have her compete or for a little more information. She had done the whole routine only a week or so before. The 2^nd meet of the year was almost a whole month after the first, so Boo was determined to be ready at the next meet. The 2 weeks before Christmas, it seemed that her back tumbling had come together. She was doing both a layout and a tuck without a spot and felt very confident. Then in the second practice after Christmas, she had a small disaster. As she was tumbling, she thought she saw someone about to run into her on floor. She ended up landing on her head. Boo did not compete floor at her meets in January, but started to show promise that she was 'recovering' from the set back in early February. During these same meets her Vault and Beam routines continued to improve - scoring some of the highest scores for her team.  But the "Floor Obstacle" haunted her.  Her coaches were starting to worry that she would not qualify for the State Meet in March. Boo was also worried. The next 5 weeks were up and down – some days were steps in a positive direction and other days were steps back. The meet in Charleston was her last chance to qualify for State – it did not happen.  (Although she had a beautiful beam routine and scored a 9.0 on vault).

Softball practice began soon after the Charleston meet and we have allowed Boo to back off training – from 5 days per week back to 2 or 3. I thought this would relieve the pressure and her tumbling would come more easily. This has not been the case – she is still up and down with her confidence. Today, Eric and I spend a lot of time spotting her in our yard and living room doing back handsprings.

I have never had the opportunity to watch someone I knew very well struggle through something for such a long time. There have been times that I have struggled for an extended time, but I could do something about it. It seems that the more I try to help, the more I hurt the process of Boo regaining her confidence and moving forward in her gymnastics. I have talked with her coaches and some of the gymnasts. I have searched the Internet for ideas and solutions. I have come to find out that a fear of going backwards is not unusual for gymnasts, and that it can drive them from the sport completely. I have also read notes and blogs by some of these people that regret the decision to leave gymnastics over this fear many years later. I have found mp3 recordings using hypnosis to eradicate the fear. I have asked people to pray for her, too. Boo is determined not to quit. She is certainly not having fun now at gym, but she wants to beat this thing! My parenting repertoire is spent at this point. I am playing it by ear, day by day. It is exhausting to support and encourage someone who is frustrated and angry about something you can do nothing to help. But it is possibly practice for how I will need to support my daughter in the future during a more serious and dark time – who knows what the future holds for us?

So I approach each new day with questions – Do I ask if she has thought about how to overcome her fear? Do I remind her that she has to face the fear to beat it? Do I talk more to the coach or less? Do I buy the mp3? Do I not ask any questions and just give her lots of hugs? What if she never beats this? What if she has to leave the gymnastics team? What if she gets hurt?

I can only turn to my Heavenly Father – He knows the answers to all of these questions and He is the only One who loves Boo more than I do. He has not given us a new direction yet – Boo believes, as do we, that she has been gifted to do gymnastics and that she should always seek to glorify Him in her practices and competitions. Who knows when Part 2 of this story will be written and if the plot will take a sudden turn? Until then, pray for us – for direction and insight, and patience.

I Don’t Wanna Be….

No I am not channeling Gavin DeGraw, although that song is one I like a lot. The events of the past few weeks have made me want to crawl under a rock. You see, I don't like name calling and labeling people. The health care debate seems to have brought this out of people everywhere I look – on the news, online, on Facebook. While going through my daily chores I started thinking about what I did not want to 'be', and it has turned into quite a list.

I don't want to be a Republican, because that apparently means that I don't care about others and their health.

I don't want to be a Democrat, because that apparently means many people I know can't speak to me civilly or believe that I am an intelligent person.

I don't want to homeschool my children, because apparently I would make comments that inform those who don't homeschool that they are abdicating their God given responsibilities as a parent and condemning their prayerful choice of how to educate their children.

I don't want my kids to go to public school, because apparently I am indoctrinating them to believe many things that I do not agree with.

I don't want to be a full-time working parent, because apparently someone else will get the opportunity to raise my children while I advance my career.

I don't want to be a stay at home mom, because apparently my kids will be anti-social and not be able to cope well with life.

This could go on and on…

Two revelations have come from this thought process today. First, I see again something I have known for a long time – I am a people-pleaser. I do not want people to think negatively about me. And I really want them to think that I am a wonderful, intelligent person. Honestly, few people know me well at all. Couldn't it be possible that I appear to have it all together? I guess it is possible, but it is not the reality. I cannot please all of the people all of the time. I can't please most of the people some of the time – and seeing that my ideas or opinions don't please people makes me feel insecure. I don't deal with this well, and instead of dealing with those emotions, I bury them. Of course, they bubble to the surface with a vengeance – as I have experienced today.

Second, I have again realized today that I don't like putting labels on people and I don't like wearing one myself. But I had a new thought today – could this be the reason that I feel so isolated? The only people that I spend any meaningful social time with are my husband and children. I don't get invited to parties or Girls' Night Out. I am excluded from scrapbooking weekends and shopping trips. I know these things are happening around me and involve my peers, co-workers, and the parents of my children's friends. Must I put on a label that says – "Employed outside the home Republican mother of 2 children in public school" to find real friends? Would wearing a label allow me to 'fit in' with people better? I have ALWAYS desired to fit in and have close friends. But having said that, I detest the label – it does not come close to expressing the complexity of who I am. Does it tell you that my 3^rd child goes to pre-school while I teach and it breaks my heart many days when I drop him off? Does it tell you that I am not completely happy with public schools? Does it tell you that I believe in thinking for myself and not repeating a 'party line' spouted by someone I have never met?  Does my desire for accepting the differences of others mean that I don't believe in principles or absolute truth? Not at all. I am only asking that people be able to talk with one another and even disagree without name-calling (a label). I can disagree with you without telling you that you are an idiot. I can make different choices for my own children without thinking that you are terrible parent for choosing something else.

So where does this leave me? It may leave me lonely – I refuse to wear the stupid label in order to be accepted and included in the fun around me. Wearing a label makes the best stuff not fun! That is a lot of who I am and a real friend would not ask me to change. Maybe I am an odd-ball here and everyone else is comfortable with label-wearing and name-calling. I want to be unique and special, I just never thought that THIS was the things that would give me that distinction.