DISCLAIMER: If you have many friends or even a few close friends, please don't continue reading this post. You will not relate to what I have written. You may be tempted to offer 'suggestions' which might not be well-received. For those who don't have good friends, feel free to read on.
Today is a Lonely Day. For some reason, everything I read or see reminds me of things that I do not have and desperately want. Facebook is an evil creation for me on days like this. I see how some people have celebrated their birthday with a party. Others are out in the glorious weather enjoying the company of their neighbors and family. I see posts from one person to another of how they miss each other, can't wait to see each other, send their love to one another. Blah, blah, blah – good for all of you. It seems like I have already blogged about these feelings and every time I do, I think that deep down, I secretly wish that someone will read my heart wrenching post and want to be my friend. This have, obviously, never happened. Because then there would not be a need to this current post.
I have never had a birthday party (EVER!). Four people (plus my children) have any idea when my birthday occurs. No one ever calls to talk with me on the phone. My students are really the only people who write on my Facebook wall with comments or encouragement. I could move to another planet and no one in my community would even realize I am gone. I literally get covered in hives and while many are aware, 2 people (neither of whom I am related to or go to church with) ask if I am okay in Chat. Are you depressed yet? I really could go on, but it is making ME depressed.
I am seeing that my desire for friendship never goes away. It just cycles through 3 main types of feelings.
- Anger – I find myself mad at those who have friends, those who don't want to be my friend, and those who are oblivious to it all.
- Sadness – I basically through a pity-party for myself about how I don't have the kinds of friends I crave.
- Apathy – I accept that I have really never had close friends or maintained a close friendship and that is the way it is always going to be. I tell myself that there are other things that need my attention and ignore what is going on.
Incredibly (or maybe sadly), I have experienced all of this cycle multiple times today! At other times, the cycle spins more slowly and I live in the "apathy" phase for longer periods of time.
Once upon a time, I was a stay at home mom. There were others, too, and we got together for play dates and sometimes did little activities. We had Pampered Chef parties and Bible Studies. Even then, I never felt a part of the group. If I missed an activity, I was sometimes lucky enough to get an email but never a phone call. And there were never times that I got a phone call from one of these people to chat with me and see how I was doing. Of course, I never did this either, so I suppose I am partly to blame. I am still not really sure how to do any of this. Especially when the few times I have tried it, I have found that the person I was reaching out to already had close friends – they just did not need me at all. I am now working basically full-time and all of my kids are in school. I don't 'fit' into any of the groups to meet new people. I don't have lots of time to figure out where I can develop a friendship.
So for today, I will be busy. I will make some memories with my 2 boys at the Fair and Race. I will enjoy myself watching my favorite sport today and tonight. I will cheer for my alma mater in football and be an outsider in my own community. In all of this, I will remember that Jesus befriended the 'outsiders' of His society and revealed Himself to them in a special way. God has made me unique for His special purpose and that is a glorious thing to remember, even if few people on this Earth care to discover that. I pray that those who DO get to know me are blessed through my talents, gifts, and interests.
