Yard Work Chronicles - A Lesson from Special & General Revelation

We have lived in our home for a little more than 7 years.  We have always loved the gorgeous azaleas planted by the original owners of the house.  These bushes are about 30 years old.  A few of them are over 7 feet tall!  Even though the bushes are lush and green and clearly putting on new growth, they have not bloomed for the past 2 years.  So armed with a little bit of knowledge on pruning, a vision of a pretty yard, and a pair of loppers, I ventured out to take charge of my small domain.

I must confess that I have avoided pruning the azaleas for the past 3 years because I knew that I was not experienced in this area.  I was fairly certain that I would make a bigger mess of the plants or that I would be too aggressive in my treatment and they would die.  An unexpected event convinced me I would probably not kill the plant – my youngest child decided to ‘help’ in the yard by cutting down the ‘weeds’.  Sadly (or not), he believed the 30 year old azaleas were weeds.  He proceeded to hack them down with the loppers and was so proud of his work.  Nothing died.  Everything started putting on new growth.  This experience is the little bit of knowledge on pruning I have already referred to.  Surely I would not kill the plants and even if I did, they weren’t blooming anyway.

If you follow my sister’s blog, you may be expecting to see pictures and a detailed description of how I clipped the branches with ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos.  I’m sorry to disappoint you, as I didn’t take pictures before I started and I don’t have the patience to photo-chronicle itchy, sweaty yard work.  However, as I spent a few hours over a couple of days pruning the first 5 azaleas, my mind kept returning to John 15:2 “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”  I started thinking about the spiritual truths I could learn knowing that *I* am pruned by my loving Father.   Here are a few of those ideas:

Pruning is for the good of the plant and me – My azaleas have a purpose in my yard – to bloom in the spring.  If they are not fulfilling their purpose, what is the point of them being there?  I pruned them in hopes that will bloom, or produce fruit, again.  Likewise, if I am not fulfilling my purpose, which is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, my Master Gardener needs to use whatever means possible to allow me to once again do that.

Pruning is painful – I’m reminded of a question posed to me in my FFA days, “Does a head of lettuce scream when you cut it?”  I did not HEAR any screams from the azaleas while I worked, but with my knowledge of biology, there certainly was stress put on the plant.  I’ll take this as an equivalent of our pain.  When the Master Gardener comes and prunes me, things, activities, events, and more can be removed or altered in my life.  These changes are sometimes abrupt and are often painful to be removed from my life.

Pruning leaves you somewhat bare and (GASP!) ugly – Here is one of the azaleas now.  Its bare and not very pretty – especially compared to how it looked before pruning.  This thought really consumed me as I worked.  How am I like this azalea?  The Master Gardener comes and removes the things that hinder me from fulfilling my purpose in His kingdom.  Sometimes these things are ‘good things’.  Often, these things look really good – both to me and others.  Perhaps these things have been exactly what the Gardner wanted and used in His kingdom in the past.  But these are not BEST things for NOW.  He wants to make me more in the image of His Son.  He has more for me to do – perhaps in different places of service and to different people.  I can fight with my Master Gardeners pruning a little more than my azaleas, but that just prolongs the pain.  The Master Gardener knows best.  He sees His plan.  I should be thankful that he has seen fit to keep me in His garden and allow me to do my small part of bearing fruit.

Pruning will result in greater beauty – I am excited to see the new growth in my azaleas.  Hopefully, we will also see greener foliage and brighter blooms.  The same will be true of me.  As a new creation in Christ, I am promised “beauty for ashes”.  As part of his bride, I am included in the glorious bride described in Revelation.  How awesome to know the truth that my ‘light and momentary troubles are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed’ (Romans 8:18).

I am still mulling these truths and how God is pruning me.  While it is not always pleasant, it is encouraging to be able to see the Lord’s loving work in my life.  I pray he will prune me to be useful in His kingdom, whether in big or small ways.

If you read my blog, please share your thoughts in the comments section.  I would love to hear from you and to know your thoughts on this topic or others.

10 Things I Hate About You

So I seem to have shifted from a song title to movie title theme on my blog titles.  So in honor of my teenager-ish broken out skin, here is my list of some of the things that Staci hates about Staci.

10. I let myself stop running and exercising at the beginning of the school year and can't get myself back into the habit.  It has not been good for me, but I truly can't figure out how to fit it in on most of my days.  Work and famly take up all the daylight hours.  With the days getting longer, maybe there is hope.  At least the school year will be over soon, which should free up some time.

9. My feelings sometimes get hurt easily and then I can't 'forgive and forget'.  I am an elephant.  If the hurt was significant, I remember it forever - or for at least 25 years (that's the longest one I can think of).

8. I am a perfectionist.  Sometimes I am really proud of this trait.  But a lot of times, it is a big negative.  I can't stand to mess up and then realize that someone else knows it.  I especially can't stand for you to see my mistakes and then show them to me.

7. My pancreas has been killed by bad genetics and 3 pregnancies.  I wish I did not need to exercise (see #10) to be healthy, but that is not to be.  I am destined to be a Diabetic - my choices are just prolonging the time until they will see the need to officially diagnose me.  This makes me feel old and damaged.  I hate that I have an actual disease that won't be healed this side of heaven.

6. I don't have degrees of liking people.  You are either in or out.  So I either love you to death (ie - my husband, my children, Dale Jr., Trevor Bayne, Brett Favre) or I pretty much despise you (ie - Kyle Busch, Tim Brady, some people from high school - see #9).

5. My skin is greasy - even now - but it HAS NOT prevented wrinkles!  How can you have zits and wrinkles on the same face!! 

4. I have an apathetic attitude toward some people in my life.  I don't really care that this is the case, but I know it SHOULD NOT be the case. Change in this area will take some heavenly intervension, which I know if possible.

3. I don't brag on my kids enough.  That don't get the press they deserve from me in this blog or other social media.  They are awesome, too!  Tinley continues to do well in gymnastics and has gotten more organized with her school work.  Troy built a jet balloon toy (wish I had pictures) that pulled the most weight in the whole 5th grade, as is about to bridge to Boy Scouts. Trent had an amazing report card (in the 99th percentile on all subjects) and did a great job as Andrew Johnson on Famous American Day.  You can see videos and photos on my facebook or twitter home.

2. I have no idea how to build meaningful relationships, which is why I don't have any.  Aside from my husband, I really don't have good friends.  I have lots of acquaintances, but if my world fell apart and I needed help, I have no earthly idea who I would call/ email/ or contact.  Its partly because I am not very likeable (see #3-10 above) and pretty self-centered.  Or maybe that is all of it.

1. I really care what other people think of me in every area of my life.  And I want to be well thought-of and recognized.  This almost always DOES NOT happen, and it makes me sad and sometimes angry.

I could probably list more things that I don't like about myself. Most of these things would have been on a list like this 20 years ago. I want to see growth!  It is wonderful and humbling that husband (Eric) and my Savior (Jesus) see and know all of these things. But they still like and love me! There is truly no one else that I can say this about - but what a gift to have more than 1 that I can say it about. I believe my growth comes in the form that I see all of my shortcomings even more clearly and I recognize two things: 1) It is truly amazing that Jesus would sacrifice Himself on my behalf when these 10 things are not the only sins and shortcomings I have and 2) I need His amazing grace to allow his love and mercy and goodness to flow through me.  None of the good things that I want to do or to change can be generated within myself.  He is the only source of goodness or even the desire for goodness.

So while I look at my shortcomings, faults, and sins, I am thankful that they point me back to the cross.  That is my only hope.

Musings following the books, 'Desiring God' & 'Eat Pray Love'

The last 2 books I read have been Desiring God by John Piper (2^nd reading) and Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Both had been hanging on my ‘To Read’ list for at least 2 years. They were not in this order on my list, either.  I think it is so amazing how God in His sovereignty had me read these 2 books in this order. 

While reading Desiring God, I was struck again by my own lack of joy and how I so often lose my focus on what my ultimate source of peace and comfort are.  It inspired me to a greater desire to cultivate prayer in my life.  I have been constantly dwelling on the fact that I am to find joy in God and thinking about how that works itself out practically in my own life.

I then started reading Eat Pray Love.  This book is somewhat of a memoir of Gilbert’s journey through searching for peace and contentment.  While she never really claims a religion, it seems to pull together religious ideas from many traditions into something she feels comfortable with.  In the end, she finds wholeness and contentment and happiness.  She sees herself as good and loving and whole.

I feel that I can relate to the deep heart struggle of Gilbert throughout the book.  I have struggled with having happiness in various circumstances and being melancholy.  But I don’t understand the road she chose to examine her questions and longings.  My thoughts swung between disagreeing with Gilbert’s approach to the realization that ‘but for the grace of God, there I go’.  As I read and considered these things, the following thoughts were never far from me

1.       There is only 1 way to true happiness, contentment, and joy.  The God revealed in the Bible created us and is therefore the only way to fill the void in our innermost being.

2.       Eat Pray Love was a best-selling book, and all of the reviews I read focused on people’s opinion of Gilbert’s actions in the book.  Either they thought she was completely selfish or envied her year of self-discovery.  It seems telling about our culture that not one review focused on what she believed (as I feel I am doing here).  We have bought into the idea that WHAT you believe is not that important.  Truth is whatever works for you and makes you happy.  I am not sure how we retreat from these positions and return to a healthier place of appreciating Truth.

Piper has a chapter in Desiring God where he talks a lot about what if the Bible is not true.  He quotes I Corinthians 15:19 “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.”  As Gilbert searches for life’s deeper meaning in Italy and Bali, I found this an interesting contrast.  Because the Bible IS true and we have a hope for eternity, I found myself feeling really bad for Gilbert – pitying her, even.  She is sitting in what might be considered a paradise here on earth, but because she is not a Christian, it is temporal and fleeting.  But because I belong to God, I am greatly blessed (which to me the opposite of being pitied) even while I shuttle children, clean house, put out fires at work, and deal with difficult relationships.  Thanks be to God for this wonderful gift.

On Second Thought...

I’ve been turning some blog posts over in my mind since my last post right after Christmas.  While there are many thoughts, emotions, and ideas running wild, I just can’t put any of them down ‘on paper’.  I’ve talked it over with my husband, and on these topics, I am going to have to declare my blog description is not entirely accurate.  This is not a place where I can come and be completely open and honest on all topics.  It seems people actually might READ my posts ;-)  And, quite frankly, some of my thoughts and ruminations are none of your business.  I’m kind of frustrated by this realization.  My blog was supposed to be an outlet and place of sharing.  But I feel too fragile and too dangerous at the same time.  Some of my words have the potential to harm others and then ricochet back and cause serious damage. 

So while I will certainly be myself, I am giving myself permission to hold some things in private.  The thing I am realizing is that lack of sharing with the outside world does not indicate a lack of pride, enjoyment, or satisfaction with my marriage, my children, or any other aspect of my life.  For years I have felt that my feelings toward these people and things were inferior because my joy and contentment were not shouted on Facebook or splashed in beautiful pictures and words in this blog. 

No matter how honest or open I am here, it will never replace the desire for friendship with real people, and I have tried to allow this forum to substitute for real relationships.  As I type this, it seems stupid to have ever thought that way.  I did not set out with that as my goal, but the idea of the blog filled the vacuum where relationships ought to be.  So feel free to read on in the future.  Maybe soon I’ll feel less dangerous or fragile.

Thoughts from December and 2011 Reading

As usual, our family travelled to Tennessee for the Christmas holiday.  This past Christmas fell on Sunday, and during our morning worship, we celebrated Communion.  I was really struck by how appropriate that is in many ways, but particularly on a personal level. 

Some trips to Tennessee are fun and enjoyable.  Others are filled with strife, complaining, and general 'un-niceness' between family members.  This seemed to have many elements of the latter description.  During Communion, I was struck afresh with the reality of my own sin, my own involvement and participation in these activities.  I commented to my husband that partaking in Communion in that setting was a good thing.

However, over the next 2 days, the trend continued.  Many things were said that were just not nice and should have been left unsaid.  I was hurt by unkind words by those who are supposed to love and care for me.  While driving home and during the following days, I was struck by my own hand in the culture and attitude that was present within my extended family over the Christmas holiday.  I certainly don't condone or excuse the hurtful words thrown at me, but the Lord has graciously shown me more of my own sin through this.  In the busyness of the semester and holidays my time devoted to Scripture and prayer had greatly diminished.  I see again that I cannot be the sister and daughter (or mother or wife) I am called to be without daily saturation in His Word.  I do not love my family as I should.  I do not build them up or speak truth to them.

I am sad that I 'blew it' this Christmas, but I am even more thankful that the Lord has shown me this sin in my life and promises that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I am thankful for his sanctification and pray that He will allow me to be a beacon of love and kindness to these same family members in the future.

I'm also listing here the books I read in 2011.  I believe my goal was to read 30 books this year and work on my BBC list of books.  I did pretty well on both.

Books Read in 2011
The Hitchhikers Guide Trilogy - Adams
Darwin's Black Box
Charlotte's Web
Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Hardy
Good Things I Wish You
Knowing God - Packer
Alice in Wonderland - Carroll
Through the Looking Glass - Carroll
Age of Opprtunity - Tripp
Engaging God's World - Plantinga
The Confession - Grisham
Persuasion - Austen
The Associate - Grisham
Artermis Fowl (Book 1)
Ford County Stories - Grisham
The Davinci Code - Brown
Lacemakers of Glenmara
Life of Pi
Treasure Island
Why Pandas Do Handstands
The God Delusion - Dawkins
The Dawkins Delusion - McGrath
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows
Saving Leonardo - Pearcey
DNA - A Graphic Guide to the Molecule that Shook the Universe - Rosenfeld
Total Truth - Pearcy
Fever 1793
Catch 22 - Heller
Humility - Mahaney
The Velveteen Rabbit
Rebecca - duMaurier
Bonhoffer - Metaxas
The Unlikely Disciple
Les Miserables - Hugo
Total = 36 books

My goal for 2012 is to read 35 books in the coming year.  Reading and exercising are probably the 2 best stress relieving activities that I participate in.  However, I have always enjoyed reading and can't wait to continue to my lists of books that I want to go through.  I always learn neat and unexpected things in all of the genres I read.  I would challenge everyone to branch out and read something you never expected to read in the coming year.

Only the Lonely

DISCLAIMER: If you have many friends or even a few close friends, please don't continue reading this post. You will not relate to what I have written. You may be tempted to offer 'suggestions' which might not be well-received. For those who don't have good friends, feel free to read on.

Today is a Lonely Day. For some reason, everything I read or see reminds me of things that I do not have and desperately want. Facebook is an evil creation for me on days like this. I see how some people have celebrated their birthday with a party. Others are out in the glorious weather enjoying the company of their neighbors and family. I see posts from one person to another of how they miss each other, can't wait to see each other, send their love to one another. Blah, blah, blah – good for all of you. It seems like I have already blogged about these feelings and every time I do, I think that deep down, I secretly wish that someone will read my heart wrenching post and want to be my friend. This have, obviously, never happened. Because then there would not be a need to this current post.

I have never had a birthday party (EVER!). Four people (plus my children) have any idea when my birthday occurs. No one ever calls to talk with me on the phone. My students are really the only people who write on my Facebook wall with comments or encouragement. I could move to another planet and no one in my community would even realize I am gone. I literally get covered in hives and while many are aware, 2 people (neither of whom I am related to or go to church with) ask if I am okay in Chat. Are you depressed yet? I really could go on, but it is making ME depressed.

I am seeing that my desire for friendship never goes away. It just cycles through 3 main types of feelings.

1. Anger – I find myself mad at those who have friends, those who don't want to be my friend, and those who are oblivious to it all.
   
2. Sadness – I basically through a pity-party for myself about how I don't have the kinds of friends I crave.
   
3. Apathy – I accept that I have really never had close friends or maintained a close friendship and that is the way it is always going to be. I tell myself that there are other things that need my attention and ignore what is going on.
   

Incredibly (or maybe sadly), I have experienced all of this cycle multiple times today! At other times, the cycle spins more slowly and I live in the "apathy" phase for longer periods of time.

Once upon a time, I was a stay at home mom. There were others, too, and we got together for play dates and sometimes did little activities. We had Pampered Chef parties and Bible Studies. Even then, I never felt a part of the group. If I missed an activity, I was sometimes lucky enough to get an email but never a phone call. And there were never times that I got a phone call from one of these people to chat with me and see how I was doing. Of course, I never did this either, so I suppose I am partly to blame. I am still not really sure how to do any of this. Especially when the few times I have tried it, I have found that the person I was reaching out to already had close friends – they just did not need me at all. I am now working basically full-time and all of my kids are in school. I don't 'fit' into any of the groups to meet new people. I don't have lots of time to figure out where I can develop a friendship.

So for today, I will be busy. I will make some memories with my 2 boys at the Fair and Race. I will enjoy myself watching my favorite sport today and tonight. I will cheer for my alma mater in football and be an outsider in my own community. In all of this, I will remember that Jesus befriended the 'outsiders' of His society and revealed Himself to them in a special way. God has made me unique for His special purpose and that is a glorious thing to remember, even if few people on this Earth care to discover that. I pray that those who DO get to know me are blessed through my talents, gifts, and interests.

Musings Inspired by “Total Truth” by Nancy Pearcey

I finished reading "Total Truth" by Nancy Pearcey a few weeks ago. If you have not read it, I highly recommend the book, as it deals with important issues with depth and great insight. Several items in the book will help me restructure my lecture on the history and philosophy of science in the coming month. This post is not meant to be a review or summary of the book, though. At one point in the book, Pearcey relates her inner struggle with her calling and vocation while expecting her first child. She felt like the Lord was leading her to continue her studies and serve Him with her mind. She states how it seemed unfair that becoming a mother called all of that into question for her more so than it did for her husband, who was about to become a father. I read this section of the book to my husband, because it summarized my feelings over the past few years very well.

Twelve years ago, I completed my Master of Science degree and jumped directly into work on my Ph.D. in Animal Physiology. Soon after that, I found out I was expecting our first child. I was due in the middle of the Spring semester, and my advisor allowed me to work from home (which means there is not much work when you deal with beef cattle) through the summer and still paid me. I had always said that I wanted to stay home with my kids, so in July 2000, I left the academic world and became a full-time stay at home mom. We ended up with 2 babies in less than a year and I honestly don't remember a lot about that time. However, I think my brain was screaming. I was used to thinking, solving problems, reading, writing, organizing. Most friends I associated with for play dates had left careers – mine had not really started. So, I volunteered, I started a business, I had small part time jobs at church – in all of this, I knew I did not want to leave my kids with someone else while I went to work every day. Looking back, I would say that I was restless doing many things but not THE THING that God had called me to do – Teach Animal Science/ Biology.

God dropped an opportunity in my lap in Fall 2005. My children were 5, 4, and ½ years old. I got an email from one of the above mentioned friends – the school she worked at needed a Biology instructor for their night classes that would meet weekly for 5 weeks at a time. She wanted to know if I could give them my name. After consulting with my husband, I said 'yes'. Within hours, I had completed an application and scheduled and interview. I LOVED that job - the students, the adult interaction about something I cared about, teaching - it was a breath of fresh air into the deepest part of my soul - the part that had been cut off when I decided to stay home with my kids.  That job led to where I am now – working about 30 hours a week – teaching and organizing our labs. But I still struggle with the idea of not being there for my kids, as they won't come home immediately after school. I don't think my husband struggles through these ideas the same way I do.

In 4 days, I will start work for the school year. I will work more hours per week than I have since graduate school before my children were born. I have a babysitter for the time before school starts for the kids. I spent an entire day cooking LOTS of meals to put in our freezer in preparation for this time (maybe I'll feel like blogging about that later). I feel very confident that I am where I am supposed to be, but concerned about how I execute my vocational and family calling. I know I need to lean on Jesus – He has called me to these things and I can do them only through Him who strengthens me. But as I look back on my 11+ years of motherhood, I wish there had been someone – a Christian woman who would have helped me view my roles and call in God's kingdom in a different light. My model had been for a woman to sacrifice her career on the altar of her children. While I am not saying that I wish I had made a different choice or that my choice was incorrect, I am seeing now that my THINKING was incorrect. I needed to see that my calling as an intellectual woman in the field of science was just as much of a mission field and calling on my life as the family I am to care for and love.