I'm sitting at the dining room table alone with my iPad and computer. There are 2 un-graded math assignments from my now home-schooled-kids beside me and an entire house that needs cleaning. But instead of grading the papers, getting up to clean, or even pulling out my book to do some more reading, I am staring at social media. I feel a little paralyzed and the only word that keeps going through my mind is "tired".
I think if you saw me at this moment, I might look the way I did 12 years ago when I gave birth to my second child in 11 months. I have few memories of the following months as I did what had to be done - basically in survival mode. I looked okay, but the weight of life was heavy.
I have had no moments of real quiet during any afternoon this week. Practices and school work have kept things loud and buzzing. I feel like I have worked at SOMETHING every second from 9 am to 11 pm, and most of those things were not what I had planned. Physically, I feel a little off, but mentally - well, I'm just not sure.
The first 4 days of homeschooling has been interesting, to say the least. There has only been 1 breakdown on the part of a child, and I was proud of being gentle yet firm in expressing my instructions and expectations. We are moving through our books and curriculum at the recommended pace with little problem. Overall, I think this is going to work out well.
So why am I seconds away from tears myself? Why do I feel run over by a truck and mentally exhausted? I have 3 more weeks until the real craziness of life takes over with work and sports and school for the 3rd grader. I am seeing more and more that learning at home with me is what both of my kids need to correct deficiencies in their life skills. This early start is allowing us to get ahead (one of my favorite things) and I expected to slip into this new routine with the older kids now and make small adjustments when mid-August arrived.
But this has not been the reality.
Being a working mother of 3 children with their own activities is very hectic. It is even worse when you have no family around to help you out. Even though I have not been able to participate in women's Bible studies or be invited to "Girls Nights", I have had the thought that if I REALLY WANTED TO, I could squeeze that in. I guess the reality is setting in that EVEN IF I WANT TO, there is not going to be time for any additions while I fill all of roles I must fill, in the way I believe will glorify God.
I don't want to go back to survival mode. I don't want to live feeling weighed down and perpetually tired. Only Jesus can give me joy in this place He has called me - as wife, mother, professor, and now homeschooling parent. Perhaps he will use people around me as His hands and feet, but maybe not. I'm thankful that He is showing me that this is all too big for me. Now I must let Him do it - through me - rather than hope I can do it all in my own power and strength.
