“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the
LORD has risen upon you.” –Isaiah 60:1
I can’t help but think of how this verse applies to each Christian’s
moment of conversion – made possible by the arrival of the Messiah foretold in
the book of Isaiah. But I’m seeing this
morning that I do not currently “arise and shine” in some places – and definitely
not at my church. I’ve hidden behind my
vow of “striving for the purity and peace of the church” and bottled up my
sadness, pain, and loneliness for the past 16 or so years. The relationships that I began to form were interrupted
by those friends moving away, so I’ve been allowed to hide in plain sight –
sharing some of my gifts, but never myself in this place that is supposed to be
my family.
The most recent hurt came around 14 years ago. I had been leading Bible studies both in
weekly and monthly formats for the women in our church. I loved studying and teaching God’s
word. In the midst of this time, a group
of older ladies in the church decided that our weekly Bible study should be
revamped into a new format. They did
involve the current leaders in their plans but told me they didn’t need me to
teach the first year. In the second
year, they lacked Bible teachers and when I said I would teach, I was told ‘No –
you are too young’. Honestly, this is a super-simplified
version of the story- I could type a lot about how my calling, my gifts, and my
competence were questioned by older women who hid behind the commands in Titus
2 to get their way about the Bible Study.
In the one instance where these tactics of the older women were
questioned, nothing really happened. None
of the outcomes were changed. I wasn’t
allowed to teach, and I ended up leaving the leadership group. And I became convinced that this situation
was connected to an older hurt I’d experienced a few years prior.
That greater wound came around 17 years ago. While expecting my 1st child, I
started serving as a Nursery director.
This was a great fit for a new stay-at-home mom who loved organizing and
planning. The church Nursery experienced
unbelievable growth during this time – for 2 years, we had almost 20 babies
(under 6 months old) in the youngest group.
When we pair trying to make changes to accommodate growth with personally
being pregnant for 2 years/ having 2 little babies, it was a recipe for disaster. It was worse when you consider my husband was
working 70+ hour weeks and I had no family support to help me. I really don’t remember the specifics – I remember
trying to hold it all together, being frustrated with the lack of cooperation,
and literally just trying to survive each day (mentally, mainly). But it started crashing down when men in
church leadership came to me to say that I was not being gracious to others and
that I needed to step aside from my Nursery role (which I did). I became paranoid because I didn’t know who I
had offended. I couldn’t trust anyone at
church because they seemed nice, but what if they were one of the people who
had complained. I wanted to apologize
but no one would tell me who I should apologize to. So I continued raising 2 babies with a
husband who worked all the time and tried to fit in with the other moms, even
though my heart and soul were a gaping, bleeding wound that was ripped open
every week that I stepped my foot into the church building.
Ultimately, God used the more recent situation for His good
and made sure that I knew it. He opened
a door of opportunity for me to teach Biology at a local university. He then provided 6 women – all older than me –
as my first class. He has kept me in
that place – teaching hundreds of older and younger students over the past 13
years.
But I’ve never really come to terms with the 1st
wound. I still am paranoid – I still can’t
open myself – I still avoid a lot of church events because… well, its just awful.
My advent devotional encouraged me to write out my testimony
this morning and share with another believer.
After I recounted the fact that I joined the church at age 12, my
writing went to what you see above. And
you may be wondering – “how in the world is this supposed to encourage anyone?” If you have been a part of a church for more than 5 minutes,
you have likely experienced some kind of hurt.
I pray it is not as deep and persistent as my own, but maybe its even
worse. In any case, I’d like to
encourage you with 2 things.
First, I’m becoming convinced that “striving for purity and
peace” in the church does not mean that I always must quietly endure whatever
is thrown my way. Sin within the church
should be confronted – like the misuse of Scripture to beat up a struggling,
overwhelmed young mom who tried to offer her gifts – as this promotes purity in
the church. And ‘peace’ speaks of harmony
– not just the absence of outward conflict.
This is what we should be striving for in our individual and corporate
relationships.
Second, and more importantly, don’t let the hurts of the
past deprive you of “letting your light shine.”
God still has a purpose and place for you in His Kingdom. I know it’s scary, and I am still trying to
figure out what that is supposed to look like in my own life. But as I walk through this season of Advent,
full of expectation, I want to see how God might use even these old hurts for His
glory and my good. I hope this might
encourage you to do the same.
