Musings Inspired by “Total Truth” by Nancy Pearcey

I finished reading "Total Truth" by Nancy Pearcey a few weeks ago. If you have not read it, I highly recommend the book, as it deals with important issues with depth and great insight. Several items in the book will help me restructure my lecture on the history and philosophy of science in the coming month. This post is not meant to be a review or summary of the book, though. At one point in the book, Pearcey relates her inner struggle with her calling and vocation while expecting her first child. She felt like the Lord was leading her to continue her studies and serve Him with her mind. She states how it seemed unfair that becoming a mother called all of that into question for her more so than it did for her husband, who was about to become a father. I read this section of the book to my husband, because it summarized my feelings over the past few years very well.

Twelve years ago, I completed my Master of Science degree and jumped directly into work on my Ph.D. in Animal Physiology. Soon after that, I found out I was expecting our first child. I was due in the middle of the Spring semester, and my advisor allowed me to work from home (which means there is not much work when you deal with beef cattle) through the summer and still paid me. I had always said that I wanted to stay home with my kids, so in July 2000, I left the academic world and became a full-time stay at home mom. We ended up with 2 babies in less than a year and I honestly don't remember a lot about that time. However, I think my brain was screaming. I was used to thinking, solving problems, reading, writing, organizing. Most friends I associated with for play dates had left careers – mine had not really started. So, I volunteered, I started a business, I had small part time jobs at church – in all of this, I knew I did not want to leave my kids with someone else while I went to work every day. Looking back, I would say that I was restless doing many things but not THE THING that God had called me to do – Teach Animal Science/ Biology.

God dropped an opportunity in my lap in Fall 2005. My children were 5, 4, and ½ years old. I got an email from one of the above mentioned friends – the school she worked at needed a Biology instructor for their night classes that would meet weekly for 5 weeks at a time. She wanted to know if I could give them my name. After consulting with my husband, I said 'yes'. Within hours, I had completed an application and scheduled and interview. I LOVED that job - the students, the adult interaction about something I cared about, teaching - it was a breath of fresh air into the deepest part of my soul - the part that had been cut off when I decided to stay home with my kids.  That job led to where I am now – working about 30 hours a week – teaching and organizing our labs. But I still struggle with the idea of not being there for my kids, as they won't come home immediately after school. I don't think my husband struggles through these ideas the same way I do.

In 4 days, I will start work for the school year. I will work more hours per week than I have since graduate school before my children were born. I have a babysitter for the time before school starts for the kids. I spent an entire day cooking LOTS of meals to put in our freezer in preparation for this time (maybe I'll feel like blogging about that later). I feel very confident that I am where I am supposed to be, but concerned about how I execute my vocational and family calling. I know I need to lean on Jesus – He has called me to these things and I can do them only through Him who strengthens me. But as I look back on my 11+ years of motherhood, I wish there had been someone – a Christian woman who would have helped me view my roles and call in God's kingdom in a different light. My model had been for a woman to sacrifice her career on the altar of her children. While I am not saying that I wish I had made a different choice or that my choice was incorrect, I am seeing now that my THINKING was incorrect. I needed to see that my calling as an intellectual woman in the field of science was just as much of a mission field and calling on my life as the family I am to care for and love.