I’ve been turning some blog posts over in my mind since my last post right after Christmas. While there are many thoughts, emotions, and ideas running wild, I just can’t put any of them down ‘on paper’. I’ve talked it over with my husband, and on these topics, I am going to have to declare my blog description is not entirely accurate. This is not a place where I can come and be completely open and honest on all topics. It seems people actually might READ my posts ;-) And, quite frankly, some of my thoughts and ruminations are none of your business. I’m kind of frustrated by this realization. My blog was supposed to be an outlet and place of sharing. But I feel too fragile and too dangerous at the same time. Some of my words have the potential to harm others and then ricochet back and cause serious damage.
So while I will certainly be myself, I am giving myself permission to hold some things in private. The thing I am realizing is that lack of sharing with the outside world does not indicate a lack of pride, enjoyment, or satisfaction with my marriage, my children, or any other aspect of my life. For years I have felt that my feelings toward these people and things were inferior because my joy and contentment were not shouted on Facebook or splashed in beautiful pictures and words in this blog.
No matter how honest or open I am here, it will never replace the desire for friendship with real people, and I have tried to allow this forum to substitute for real relationships. As I type this, it seems stupid to have ever thought that way. I did not set out with that as my goal, but the idea of the blog filled the vacuum where relationships ought to be. So feel free to read on in the future. Maybe soon I’ll feel less dangerous or fragile.
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