So I seem to have shifted from a song title to movie title theme on my blog titles. So in honor of my teenager-ish broken out skin, here is my list of some of the things that Staci hates about Staci.
10. I let myself stop running and exercising at the beginning of the school year and can't get myself back into the habit. It has not been good for me, but I truly can't figure out how to fit it in on most of my days. Work and famly take up all the daylight hours. With the days getting longer, maybe there is hope. At least the school year will be over soon, which should free up some time.
9. My feelings sometimes get hurt easily and then I can't 'forgive and forget'. I am an elephant. If the hurt was significant, I remember it forever - or for at least 25 years (that's the longest one I can think of).
8. I am a perfectionist. Sometimes I am really proud of this trait. But a lot of times, it is a big negative. I can't stand to mess up and then realize that someone else knows it. I especially can't stand for you to see my mistakes and then show them to me.
7. My pancreas has been killed by bad genetics and 3 pregnancies. I wish I did not need to exercise (see #10) to be healthy, but that is not to be. I am destined to be a Diabetic - my choices are just prolonging the time until they will see the need to officially diagnose me. This makes me feel old and damaged. I hate that I have an actual disease that won't be healed this side of heaven.
6. I don't have degrees of liking people. You are either in or out. So I either love you to death (ie - my husband, my children, Dale Jr., Trevor Bayne, Brett Favre) or I pretty much despise you (ie - Kyle Busch, Tim Brady, some people from high school - see #9).
5. My skin is greasy - even now - but it HAS NOT prevented wrinkles! How can you have zits and wrinkles on the same face!!
4. I have an apathetic attitude toward some people in my life. I don't really care that this is the case, but I know it SHOULD NOT be the case. Change in this area will take some heavenly intervension, which I know if possible.
3. I don't brag on my kids enough. That don't get the press they deserve from me in this blog or other social media. They are awesome, too! Tinley continues to do well in gymnastics and has gotten more organized with her school work. Troy built a jet balloon toy (wish I had pictures) that pulled the most weight in the whole 5th grade, as is about to bridge to Boy Scouts. Trent had an amazing report card (in the 99th percentile on all subjects) and did a great job as Andrew Johnson on Famous American Day. You can see videos and photos on my facebook or twitter home.
2. I have no idea how to build meaningful relationships, which is why I don't have any. Aside from my husband, I really don't have good friends. I have lots of acquaintances, but if my world fell apart and I needed help, I have no earthly idea who I would call/ email/ or contact. Its partly because I am not very likeable (see #3-10 above) and pretty self-centered. Or maybe that is all of it.
1. I really care what other people think of me in every area of my life. And I want to be well thought-of and recognized. This almost always DOES NOT happen, and it makes me sad and sometimes angry.
I could probably list more things that I don't like about myself. Most of these things would have been on a list like this 20 years ago. I want to see growth! It is wonderful and humbling that husband (Eric) and my Savior (Jesus) see and know all of these things. But they still like and love me! There is truly no one else that I can say this about - but what a gift to have more than 1 that I can say it about. I believe my growth comes in the form that I see all of my shortcomings even more clearly and I recognize two things: 1) It is truly amazing that Jesus would sacrifice Himself on my behalf when these 10 things are not the only sins and shortcomings I have and 2) I need His amazing grace to allow his love and mercy and goodness to flow through me. None of the good things that I want to do or to change can be generated within myself. He is the only source of goodness or even the desire for goodness.
So while I look at my shortcomings, faults, and sins, I am thankful that they point me back to the cross. That is my only hope.
2 comments:
Staci, I admire your honesty. It's been a long time since we've seen each other, but it seems like you've grown as a person. Don't sell yourself short. Part of being a perfectionist is being in control. As soon as you worry about others think of you, you put that control in their hands. When you boil it down, all that matters is what you think of yourself. If you think you're a good person (which you are), then fuck what anyone else thinks... and there you have my 2 cents :-).
Your old roomie,
Joanna
Yes, the cross is our only hope!
Post a Comment