It’s the End of the World as We Know It…

Have you ever had the feeling that everything is about to change? For the past couple of months, I have had a nagging uneasiness in the pit of my being. I suppose it could be from a variety of sources – some changes could be positive and others negative. Our economy is still in a recession (I know there is some debate on this, but I am pretty sure I am right on this one – may this would be a good topic for another blog, but not today) and that affects our finances. My job is staying the same when I thought it would change in the coming year. Boo's future activities are now up in the air. My little guy will start kindergarten in the Fall. There are repairs that need to happen on our house, but don't have to be done today. However, that could change quickly if they deteriorate or break further. I have pre-diabetes. And these are just the things I could guess about. There could be injury or sickness in our family and so many other things could completely blind-side us. Any of them could change our world drastically.

I have been reading in I Samuel and wonder if David felt this way at all? He is anointed King by Samuel, kills Goliath, becomes famous and marries the current King's daughter. Before you know it, he is running for his life. Saul is brutally murdering those he finds out have helped David. How must David have felt – he thought he was going to be King and now he may die soon. Of course we can see how the story ends (which goes many years beyond this episode) in a matter of an hour, if you want to read the whole story. Did David live with this gut feeling that everything was about to change?

My gut feeling makes me dread the future. Proverbs 31 says that a woman of God should "smile at the future". But I am a control freak. I like for things to change in my life when *I* decide they should do so. The "what ifs" in my life focus on the negative and bad, and there is so much pain and suffering in the world around us. Rather than fear and dread, God may have given me this feeling so I can watch what He is about to do. He is always surprising me with the direction of life. Without the nagging, I would go about my daily life focused on the 'now'. Perhaps I am meant to see His hand work in a mighty way and without His prompting in this way, I would just miss it.

I titled this blog after the REM song, and for those that know it, you probably sang the next line of the song, "and I feel fine". But I DON'T feel fine. Even typing above, my tendency is to just feel like I need to throw up and get back to "fixing" my life. My prayer, though, is that I will be able to sing the song and really mean it and that I will look expectantly to what God is doing and about to do in and around me with a sense of joyful expectation. He loves me more than I can fathom, so I will continue to learn to trust Him.

The Trouble with Boo – Part 1

This is the story of a journey I am still struggling through. It started 10 years ago and the plot has thickened in the past year. I write to gain some clarity in what has been occurring and for a record of the events. In March 2000, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. As she grew, it became obvious that she liked to climb and jump and flip – so we took her to gymnastics class so she would have a safe place to do these things. When she was in kindergarten, the coaches at the gym decided she should move onto the team, so for the past 5 years, Boo has been a competitive gymnast.

Her coach has always wanted to get her to the 'Optional' levels and said she was so talented and a great tumbler. Following the State Meet last year, Boo began to work on new and harder skills. Because of softball and summer travel, she struggled with her back tuck. During this struggle, she learned that she must have the back tuck perfected by August if she wanted to move up to the next level. In addition, she would have to compete as a Level 7 (2 levels higher than the previous year) which had a whole new set of harder skills. During this time we realized Tinley was eating about half of the calories she should have been, so we worked to adjust that part of her routine. At the 'meet' to decide if we moved up or not, Boo scored a 32 All Around, which was enough to bump up. She then began work on the back layout and got routines on all 4 events choreographed just for her. She had a practice meet in late November and it was decided she was ready to compete all routines but bars.

The first meet arrived in December. Boo only competed on Beam and Vault, as her back tumbling had gotten rough. Looking back on this time, I wish I had asked the coach to have her compete or for a little more information. She had done the whole routine only a week or so before. The 2^nd meet of the year was almost a whole month after the first, so Boo was determined to be ready at the next meet. The 2 weeks before Christmas, it seemed that her back tumbling had come together. She was doing both a layout and a tuck without a spot and felt very confident. Then in the second practice after Christmas, she had a small disaster. As she was tumbling, she thought she saw someone about to run into her on floor. She ended up landing on her head. Boo did not compete floor at her meets in January, but started to show promise that she was 'recovering' from the set back in early February. During these same meets her Vault and Beam routines continued to improve - scoring some of the highest scores for her team.  But the "Floor Obstacle" haunted her.  Her coaches were starting to worry that she would not qualify for the State Meet in March. Boo was also worried. The next 5 weeks were up and down – some days were steps in a positive direction and other days were steps back. The meet in Charleston was her last chance to qualify for State – it did not happen.  (Although she had a beautiful beam routine and scored a 9.0 on vault).

Softball practice began soon after the Charleston meet and we have allowed Boo to back off training – from 5 days per week back to 2 or 3. I thought this would relieve the pressure and her tumbling would come more easily. This has not been the case – she is still up and down with her confidence. Today, Eric and I spend a lot of time spotting her in our yard and living room doing back handsprings.

I have never had the opportunity to watch someone I knew very well struggle through something for such a long time. There have been times that I have struggled for an extended time, but I could do something about it. It seems that the more I try to help, the more I hurt the process of Boo regaining her confidence and moving forward in her gymnastics. I have talked with her coaches and some of the gymnasts. I have searched the Internet for ideas and solutions. I have come to find out that a fear of going backwards is not unusual for gymnasts, and that it can drive them from the sport completely. I have also read notes and blogs by some of these people that regret the decision to leave gymnastics over this fear many years later. I have found mp3 recordings using hypnosis to eradicate the fear. I have asked people to pray for her, too. Boo is determined not to quit. She is certainly not having fun now at gym, but she wants to beat this thing! My parenting repertoire is spent at this point. I am playing it by ear, day by day. It is exhausting to support and encourage someone who is frustrated and angry about something you can do nothing to help. But it is possibly practice for how I will need to support my daughter in the future during a more serious and dark time – who knows what the future holds for us?

So I approach each new day with questions – Do I ask if she has thought about how to overcome her fear? Do I remind her that she has to face the fear to beat it? Do I talk more to the coach or less? Do I buy the mp3? Do I not ask any questions and just give her lots of hugs? What if she never beats this? What if she has to leave the gymnastics team? What if she gets hurt?

I can only turn to my Heavenly Father – He knows the answers to all of these questions and He is the only One who loves Boo more than I do. He has not given us a new direction yet – Boo believes, as do we, that she has been gifted to do gymnastics and that she should always seek to glorify Him in her practices and competitions. Who knows when Part 2 of this story will be written and if the plot will take a sudden turn? Until then, pray for us – for direction and insight, and patience.

I Don’t Wanna Be….

No I am not channeling Gavin DeGraw, although that song is one I like a lot. The events of the past few weeks have made me want to crawl under a rock. You see, I don't like name calling and labeling people. The health care debate seems to have brought this out of people everywhere I look – on the news, online, on Facebook. While going through my daily chores I started thinking about what I did not want to 'be', and it has turned into quite a list.

I don't want to be a Republican, because that apparently means that I don't care about others and their health.

I don't want to be a Democrat, because that apparently means many people I know can't speak to me civilly or believe that I am an intelligent person.

I don't want to homeschool my children, because apparently I would make comments that inform those who don't homeschool that they are abdicating their God given responsibilities as a parent and condemning their prayerful choice of how to educate their children.

I don't want my kids to go to public school, because apparently I am indoctrinating them to believe many things that I do not agree with.

I don't want to be a full-time working parent, because apparently someone else will get the opportunity to raise my children while I advance my career.

I don't want to be a stay at home mom, because apparently my kids will be anti-social and not be able to cope well with life.

This could go on and on…

Two revelations have come from this thought process today. First, I see again something I have known for a long time – I am a people-pleaser. I do not want people to think negatively about me. And I really want them to think that I am a wonderful, intelligent person. Honestly, few people know me well at all. Couldn't it be possible that I appear to have it all together? I guess it is possible, but it is not the reality. I cannot please all of the people all of the time. I can't please most of the people some of the time – and seeing that my ideas or opinions don't please people makes me feel insecure. I don't deal with this well, and instead of dealing with those emotions, I bury them. Of course, they bubble to the surface with a vengeance – as I have experienced today.

Second, I have again realized today that I don't like putting labels on people and I don't like wearing one myself. But I had a new thought today – could this be the reason that I feel so isolated? The only people that I spend any meaningful social time with are my husband and children. I don't get invited to parties or Girls' Night Out. I am excluded from scrapbooking weekends and shopping trips. I know these things are happening around me and involve my peers, co-workers, and the parents of my children's friends. Must I put on a label that says – "Employed outside the home Republican mother of 2 children in public school" to find real friends? Would wearing a label allow me to 'fit in' with people better? I have ALWAYS desired to fit in and have close friends. But having said that, I detest the label – it does not come close to expressing the complexity of who I am. Does it tell you that my 3^rd child goes to pre-school while I teach and it breaks my heart many days when I drop him off? Does it tell you that I am not completely happy with public schools? Does it tell you that I believe in thinking for myself and not repeating a 'party line' spouted by someone I have never met?  Does my desire for accepting the differences of others mean that I don't believe in principles or absolute truth? Not at all. I am only asking that people be able to talk with one another and even disagree without name-calling (a label). I can disagree with you without telling you that you are an idiot. I can make different choices for my own children without thinking that you are terrible parent for choosing something else.

So where does this leave me? It may leave me lonely – I refuse to wear the stupid label in order to be accepted and included in the fun around me. Wearing a label makes the best stuff not fun! That is a lot of who I am and a real friend would not ask me to change. Maybe I am an odd-ball here and everyone else is comfortable with label-wearing and name-calling. I want to be unique and special, I just never thought that THIS was the things that would give me that distinction.