I Don’t Wanna Be….

No I am not channeling Gavin DeGraw, although that song is one I like a lot. The events of the past few weeks have made me want to crawl under a rock. You see, I don't like name calling and labeling people. The health care debate seems to have brought this out of people everywhere I look – on the news, online, on Facebook. While going through my daily chores I started thinking about what I did not want to 'be', and it has turned into quite a list.

I don't want to be a Republican, because that apparently means that I don't care about others and their health.

I don't want to be a Democrat, because that apparently means many people I know can't speak to me civilly or believe that I am an intelligent person.

I don't want to homeschool my children, because apparently I would make comments that inform those who don't homeschool that they are abdicating their God given responsibilities as a parent and condemning their prayerful choice of how to educate their children.

I don't want my kids to go to public school, because apparently I am indoctrinating them to believe many things that I do not agree with.

I don't want to be a full-time working parent, because apparently someone else will get the opportunity to raise my children while I advance my career.

I don't want to be a stay at home mom, because apparently my kids will be anti-social and not be able to cope well with life.

This could go on and on…

Two revelations have come from this thought process today. First, I see again something I have known for a long time – I am a people-pleaser. I do not want people to think negatively about me. And I really want them to think that I am a wonderful, intelligent person. Honestly, few people know me well at all. Couldn't it be possible that I appear to have it all together? I guess it is possible, but it is not the reality. I cannot please all of the people all of the time. I can't please most of the people some of the time – and seeing that my ideas or opinions don't please people makes me feel insecure. I don't deal with this well, and instead of dealing with those emotions, I bury them. Of course, they bubble to the surface with a vengeance – as I have experienced today.

Second, I have again realized today that I don't like putting labels on people and I don't like wearing one myself. But I had a new thought today – could this be the reason that I feel so isolated? The only people that I spend any meaningful social time with are my husband and children. I don't get invited to parties or Girls' Night Out. I am excluded from scrapbooking weekends and shopping trips. I know these things are happening around me and involve my peers, co-workers, and the parents of my children's friends. Must I put on a label that says – "Employed outside the home Republican mother of 2 children in public school" to find real friends? Would wearing a label allow me to 'fit in' with people better? I have ALWAYS desired to fit in and have close friends. But having said that, I detest the label – it does not come close to expressing the complexity of who I am. Does it tell you that my 3^rd child goes to pre-school while I teach and it breaks my heart many days when I drop him off? Does it tell you that I am not completely happy with public schools? Does it tell you that I believe in thinking for myself and not repeating a 'party line' spouted by someone I have never met?  Does my desire for accepting the differences of others mean that I don't believe in principles or absolute truth? Not at all. I am only asking that people be able to talk with one another and even disagree without name-calling (a label). I can disagree with you without telling you that you are an idiot. I can make different choices for my own children without thinking that you are terrible parent for choosing something else.

So where does this leave me? It may leave me lonely – I refuse to wear the stupid label in order to be accepted and included in the fun around me. Wearing a label makes the best stuff not fun! That is a lot of who I am and a real friend would not ask me to change. Maybe I am an odd-ball here and everyone else is comfortable with label-wearing and name-calling. I want to be unique and special, I just never thought that THIS was the things that would give me that distinction.